


In Joy and In Sorrow

by Fanbabs



Series: The Road Less Traveled [4]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst and fluff in between, Domestic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2019-07-10 08:24:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15945512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanbabs/pseuds/Fanbabs
Summary: This work deals with what happened three years after Ian and Mickey had gotten married. It is helpful if you read the other works of this series since it is all the same universe.





	1. For Alana's sake

Mickey got out of the shower after an early morning workout. A few years ago he had never imagined getting up early in the morning to go for a jog but today was different. He had a goal in life. A meaning. And that was important. Structure was good and so was discipline if you ever wanted to achieve something. 

He grabbed a towel a dried himself before tying it around his waist. He picked up the ring that was lying on the shelf below the mirror and looked at it for a moment. Three years. He couldn’t believe it had already been three years since they had tied the knot. Time had flown by so fast and they were still together. Still happy and still the same. For the most part at least. 

A lot had happened since their wedding day. Mickey and Tory owned the Martial Arts center alone now. They ran it together and it was blooming. Last year they had even moved to a bigger building with more space, more coaches and more offers. It had been a lot of fucking work but Mickey was more than happy with it. He got more money out of it, too. For the first time in his life he was actually saving money. After all he wasn’t living day by day anymore. 

Ian on the other hand still worked as an EMT although he was working hard at the moment to become a licensed paramedic. His always rotating shifts plus the evening classes at community college kicked his ass. However, he was pushing through it even though this had meant that Mickey and Ian would see each other even less than before. But Ian had wanted this for so long and Mickey had known from the start that he wouldn’t be able to stop him. Even if he had wanted to.

Mickey slipped on his ring and moved to the bedroom. The smell of fried bacon had filled the hallway as Ian was in the kitchen preparing breakfast for them. Mickey quickly put on a pair of clean sweatpants and a t-shirt before he joined his husband in the kitchen. Ian already wore his uniform since he had to get going soon. He just put the plates on the table when Mickey entered.

“When’s your shift done today?”, Mickey asked as they sat down to eat. “Probably around 11… why? Got somethin’ planned?”, Ian asked in return. Mickey shrugged. “Absolutely nothin’.”, he replied and shoved a fork full of eggs in his mouth. “Really? Nothin’?”, Ian chuckled. “Yup. Absolutely nothin’ planned today!”, Mickey repeated. Ian shook his head smiling. “You know what day it is today, though?”, he asked and Mickey raised his eyebrows, thinking. Of course he knew, but he loved to mess with his Gallagher.

“Um… it’s my first fuckin’ day off in two weeks?”, he guessed theatrically and Ian laughed again. “Asshole!”, he replied and took a big gulp of his coffee, “But seriously, you wanna do somethin’ tonight when I get back? Like celebrate?” Mickey smirked at his husband. God how he wished that Ian could just stay and spend the day in bed with him. “Sure! Let’s celebrate the fact that we’re still not bored of each other’s dicks!”, he laughed and wiggled with his eyebrows. Ian rolled his eyes but couldn’t contain the wide smile on his face. “Alright let’s do that!”, he chuckled before he leaned over and kissed his husband. “I love you!”, he mumbled when he pulled back. “Love you, too.”, Mickey replied before Ian got up and grabbed his stuff. “Gotta go!”, Ian said, giving Mickey one quick last kiss. “You better hurry back before I get bored and start without you!”, Mickey answered for which Ian flipped him off. “Yeah you do that and you’ll regret it!”, Ian smirked and moved towards the front door, “See ya later!”

Mickey smiled to himself sipping the rest of his coffee before he washed the dishes. Three years today. Three years married to the love of his life. He grabbed his cigarettes and moved to the balcony. His day off could finally begin.

\- - - - - - 

Mickey was done with his third beer when he dozed off on the couch. He had seen the movie that was playing on screen a million times already and it wasn’t like he was missing out. It was his day off after all. His thoughts whirled in his mind as he fell deeper asleep. 

He was lying in bed in what seemed like their hotel room in Cuba, although outside the window it didn’t look much like where they had spent their honeymoon. But that didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was Ian before him. Butt naked. Looking at him lasciviously from the foot of the bed. Mickey immediately felt his dick twitch at the sight. Would he ever get tired of that man? Probably not. 

Ian crawled on the bed and between his legs. Mickey felt his big hands on his thighs and his tongue running up the sensitive skin. He patiently waited for his husband to take his hard dick into his mouth but nothing happened. Confused he looked down and saw Ian looking over at the door of the hotel room. “There’s someone at the door!”, he simply said as if he could look through it. Mickey turned his head but saw nothing. “What the…?”, he mumbled but then he heard it. That loud irritating noise of the fucking doorbell.

He startled awake and almost fell from the couch. Damned be whoever was on the other side of that door waking him up from such a dream. From outside he heard a child crying before someone vigorously pounded at the door. He stumbled up and moved to look through the peephole. It was Mandy balancing her whimpering daughter on her hips. “Mickey, are you there?”, Mandy called distressed, “Mick? Ian? Anybody home?”

He hadn’t seen his sister in quite a while. After him and Ian had gotten married, Mandy had moved to their mother to Carbondale. She had lived there for over two years before she had decided to move back to Chicago just a couple of months ago. That was when he had last seen her. At the move.

Mickey opened the door and Mandy stormed in. “What the fuck? What the hell’s goin’ on?”, he asked confused when she quickly dropped Ally on the couch. Mandy turned around to face him. “I can’t do it, Mick! I thought I could but I can’t! I’m just not that person...”, she stammered, tears running down her face now as well. In the back Ally was stretching out her little hands to her mother but Mandy ignored her completely. 

“What? What can’t you do?”, Mickey asked his sister, fearing for the answer. Mandy ran a hand through her hair. “Can you just take care of her for a little while? I… I just need some time to think!”, she said and walked back to the door again. Mickey quickly held on to her arm. “W… Wait a second! Hold on! Do I look like a fuckin’ daycare? You can’t just leave her here!”

She looked at him with pained blue eyes. “Please, just for a couple of hours. I can’t even look at her right now! I don’t know what else to do.”, she said with a desperate voice. “When will you be back?”, Mickey asked, gazing at the crying little girl. “I don’t know, Mick… I’ll call you later.”, she answered, more tears streaming down her face. He sighed and let go of her.

“Alright, I’ll watch her but you’ll be back before her bedtime! I’m not singin’ lullabies for a crying toddler!”, he demanded and she smiled weakly at him. “Thank you!”, she replied and quickly walked out the door. 

After he had closed the door behind her, he turned around to the screaming child, sitting on his couch. This was not how he had expected this day to go. The little girl was whimpering for her mother still stretching out her hands in the direction that Mandy had left just a minute ago. He sighed, scratching his forehead. 

He didn’t really have much practice with toddlers since he had been in Mexico or prison when his son had been that age. He sat in front of her on the floor and laid her hands on her shoulder. “Could you… um… could you stop crying please?”, he asked carefully but Ally started crying even louder.

He tried to remember what other people did with crying children. His dad just used to beat them when they were crying too loud. Then again Terry wasn’t a really good reference for raising a child. He remembered that their mum used to pick them up and carry them around until they stopped crying. That was probably more adequate. So he scooped her up and balanced her on his hip just like her mother when she came in.

The little girl immediately clung to his neck and laid her head on his shoulder. She was still sobbing but it seemed to calm her down a little. “Mama…”, she whimpered quietly, so he laid a hand on her back, hoping that would comfort her and held her even tighter. “Your mum will be back soon!”, he whispered soothingly trying to believe his own words. Mandy had seemed so distressed and overwhelmed he feared that she would never come back. Then again, she of all people must know how it felt to be abandoned by their own mother. At least he hoped she remembered. He hoped that she would do the right thing. For Alana’s sake.

\- - - - - - 

After two hours of walking up and down the apartment Ally had finally stopped crying and Mickey couldn’t be more relieved. Also he felt like he was getting hungry. It was six already and he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. “You hungry, too?”, he asked his niece and the little girl just quietly nodded in his shoulder.

He walked to the kitchen and took a look inside the fridge. Neither of them really cooked except for breakfast so the fridge didn’t have much to offer. Chinese leftover from last night, Pizza rolls, a carton of milk, a tuna salad that had seen better days, a couple of beers and softdrinks and eggs. He closed the fridge again and tilted his head slightly to look at the three year old in his arm. “Seen anything you like?”, he asked her, not really getting a reaction, “Thought so…”

Yevgeny ate everything. Whatever you put on his plate he would eat it. That kid ate like a human garbage disposal. But he was twelve not three. What did he eat when he was three? Mickey wouldn’t know. He wasn’t around. Wait… what did Mandy eat when she was that age? Well, they basically ate anything they could get their hands on. If you’re living in poverty you can’t be picky.

He sighed again before he quickly fished his phone from his pocket. Whenever children were concerned and he didn’t know what to do he would ask Ian. He just hoped he would get him on the line. Mickey quickly dialed his number. His arm was getting weak from carrying his niece around but he couldn’t put her down now. Not now that she had stopped crying for the first time in two hours. The phone rang awfully long before Ian finally picked up.

“Hello? Mick? Everything alright?”, Ian answered worriedly. Mickey knew he was only allowed to call in emergencies but this kind of was one. “Yeah, it’s me.”, he replied shortly. “What is it? Everything okay?”, Ian asked again. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Look, Mandy just dropped her kid on me and she seems to be hungry but I have no fuckin’ idea what a three year old eats, so…”, Mickey replied before he got interrupted by his husband. “Mandy dropped her kid on you?”, Ian repeated disbelievingly. “Yeah, she did. Said she’ll pick her up later, that she needed time to think or somethin’. You know what this is all about?”, Mickey asked while making faces to the little girl in his arms hoping she would smile for once. She did not. 

“No idea… haven’t talked to her in a while. Wait… You took care of Ally? Alone?”, Ian asked again. “Yeah, alone. What did you think? Think I can’t take care of my niece for a few hours?”, Mickey snapped at him while Ally began to whimper again. He sighed and tried to calm down. He hadn’t had a cigarette in more than three hours. And he was hungry. What a toxic combination. “Yeah, okay I’m sorry… so she’s hungry?”, Ian asked apologetically. “Yeah, and we don’t have shit in the fridge. Don’t think she’d be up for Chop Suey.”, Mickey replied, trying to sound as calm as possible since Ally had just stopped to whimper again.

“Try fruit loops. Carl ate that stuff for three weeks straight when he was that age.”, Ian suggested. Of course fucking fruit loops were the answer! “Alright, thanks!”, Mickey replied shortly. “Need me to pick something up after work? In case she stays the night?”, Ian asked carefully. “Nah man. Mandy will pick her up later.”, Mickey answered and honestly hoped that was the truth. “Okay, call me if you need anything!”, Ian said before he hung up.

Mickey put his phone on the table and picked up the fruit loops from the shelf. He then managed to fill two bowls one handedly and added the milk from the fridge. Ally watched his every move but gave him no reaction to whether she liked what he did or not. When dinner was served, Mickey tried to put her on one of the chairs but as soon as he let go of her she clung to his arm. “Alright, fine…”, he sighed and scooped her up again, making her sit on his lap while they ate.

Ally watched him shoving a spoon full of fruit loops in his mouth while not paying heed to her own bowl. “What now? You can’t eat yourself?”, Mickey asked with a full mouth. Ally just continued to stare at him. He swallowed the fruit loops before he picked up her spoon and tried to feed her with it. Shyly she crawled into his chest, making him spill milk from the spoon on his pants. She began to chuckle slightly when he looked down at her. Finally a reaction!

“Yeah, you like that, don’t you?”, he asked and put the spoon back in her bowl. She nodded still smiling and he couldn’t help but return it. He had finally managed to make her laugh after she had cried for so long. He just hoped her good mood would last until her mother came back. He took another scoop of fruit loops in his mouth and she continued to watch him. After his third spoon she grabbed on to her own and slowly began to eat.

After dinner they moved to the couch again. Mickey was flipping through the channels until he found some cartoons they could watch while Ally did not move an inch away from him. Soon after she fell asleep on his lap. 

Mickey looked at his phone. It was already past seven and still no call or text from Mandy. He decided to call her as long as Ally was asleep, maybe Mandy could take her home like that. He dialed her number and waited for her to pick up the phone. Nothing. He hung up and tried again. This time Mandy’s phone rang twice before his call went to voice mail. That bitch hung up on him. “Mandy, pick up your goddamn phone!”, he growled after the beep and put his phone aside. 

He leaned back and started flipping through the channels again since he couldn’t do much anyway with a sleeping toddler clinging to him. It didn’t take long for him to doze off as well.

\- - - - - - 

When Ian entered the apartment after his shift the scene displayed in front of him couldn’t be more heart warming. Mickey lay on the couch and sprawled out on his chest was little Alana, both were fast asleep. Even though Ian didn’t want to interrupt the two he had to know what was going on. Had Mandy bailed on them? Or was she just running late? What had happened anyway?

He tiptoed to the side of the couch and gently laid a hand on Mickey’s shoulder. “Mick?”, he whispered carefully. Mickey grunted sleepily and slowly opened his eyes. “Mmh? What? What’s goin’ on?”, he asked confused before he looked at the little human that was laying on his chest, “What the fuck? Where’s Mandy?” Ian sat down on the coffee table across from them. “I wanted to ask you the same thing… Have you checked your phone since you fell asleep?”, he asked laying his head in his hand tiredly. 

Mickey looked around, careful not to wake up his sleeping niece. He grabbed his phone from under the couch cushions and looked at the screen. Nothing. No missed call, no text, no nothing. He sighed rubbing his eyes. “That fuckin’ bitch…”, he mumbled and tried to dial her number again. This time his call went straight to voice mail. She must’ve turned off her phone.

“So what are we gonna do?”, Ian asked looking at his husband. “The fuck should I know… guess we just have to wait until she calls us back.”, Mickey replied grumpily. Ian sighed, unbuttoning his shirt. “You think she’ll sleep on the couch alone?”, he asked. Mickey laid a hand on her back comfortingly. “Don’t think so… Took me two hours to calm her down after Mandy left. I’m carrying her around like a monkey since then.”

“So, she’ll sleep in our bed tonight… with us”, Ian concluded when Mickey suddenly realized what he had been driving at. They had wanted to celebrate the three year anniversary and now here they were with a toddler that couldn’t be left alone. “Goddamn it!”, he whispered irritated. “It’s okay, Mick. Come on, we’ll figure out tomorrow what we’re gonna do! Now let’s just go to bed!”, Ian suggested and Mickey couldn’t help but agree. For now, they couldn’t do anything but go to sleep. Mandy would hopefully show up tomorrow and explain her delay. Until then they would take care of that little girl. For Alana’s sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> Also please note that many mothers are overwhelmed with their children. Unfortunately it's a social stigma and mothers rarely look for help. Nobody wants to be branded a bad mum. What Mandy did in this chapter is probably not ideal but at least she didn't endanger or hurt her child physically.  
> If you know a mum that is overwhelmed try talking to her. Sometimes it just helps to talk about this stuff, knowing that they're not alone etc. Furthermore, there are organizations that offer help in these situations to unburden mothers and their children.  
> Help, don't judge! Not everybody is cut out to be a parent.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	2. It's about her, not me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ian go to Mandy's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! Thanks for reading! ;)

“The izzy bizzy spider clim’ed up the waterspo’t, down came the wain an’ wash’ the spider out…”  
Mickey woke up the next morning by a sweet children’s voice reciting a song he hadn’t heard in a long time. He knew his mum used to sing this song for him and Mandy when they were little. It was a comforting song for them. Anastasia hadn’t known many English children’s songs so she had always sang the one she knew be it as a lullaby or simply to cheer her children up.

He slowly opened his eyes and saw his little niece sitting between him and Ian in bed playing with her fingers while quietly singing her song. Ian watched her fondly as she put her little hands up to imitate the spider climbing up the waterspout. A soft smile was playing on his lips. Alana meanwhile seemed to have noticed that her other uncle was awake. She smiled at Mickey, putting her little hands on his arm to greet him, before she restarted her song again.

“She sings?”, Micky asked, gazing over at his husband. Ian smiled at the little girl. “Apparently… did she talk to you yesterday?”, he asked in return. “Not really…”, Mickey replied letting his head fall back on the pillow to rub his eyes with both hands. “So, we’re gonna look for Mandy today?”, Ian asked carefully and Mickey sighed long. “Guess we’ll have no other option…”

“We should start at her apartment and if she’s not there we should get some of Ally’s things, just in case.”, Ian suggested while watching Ally’s gestures. “Just in case? In case of what?”, Mickey asked bluntly and the little girl gave him a disapproving look. “In case she stays a little longer.”, Ian explained with a soft voice. “She won’t because Mandy’s comin’ back!”, Mickey replied less blunt then before. 

Ian sighed scratching his forehead. “Ey, you know something I don’t?”, Mickey asked suspiciously. “Izzy Bizzy spider…”, Ally began to sing again while Ian looked over at Mickey thoughtfully. “It’s just… Mandy might have mentioned something about understanding why your mother left…”, Ian said hesitantly. “She did what? When? When did she say that?”, Mickey asked irritated which caused Ally to stop singing again and watch the scene before her. Ian quickly reached out to clap her hands together hoping to distract her from the argument they were having. “About two months ago… last time she called.”, he replied without looking at his husband.

Mickey ran a hand over his face. What the hell was wrong with her? Didn’t she remember what trauma it had caused them when their mother had left? How could she do that to her own daughter? “Listen, I might be wrong about her… she probably just needed some time off and will be back soon!”, Ian tried to soothe him, “I can try calling her again and we’ll go by her apartment later… I mean she has to be somewhere, right?” Mickey kept staring at the ceiling, breathing heavily. His thoughts were spinning fast and he couldn’t think clearly anymore. He quickly got up and moved to the bathroom. He didn’t want to fall apart in front of his niece. That poor girl.

Said girl didn’t seem to like Mickey walking away and began to whimper as soon as he had left her eyes. Ian quickly comforted her but she kept stretching her little hands out in the direction Mickey had just disappeared. When she got no reaction big tears started to spill from her eyes and she began to cry loudly. Ian immediately scooped her up and tried to calm her down again by talking soothing words to her. Having three younger siblings he knew exactly what to do. He began singing the children’s song again she sang before in the hope she would chime in. “The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout down came the rain and washed the spider out.” The little girl in Ian’s arms laid her head on his shoulder and started to sing along quietly, tears slowly drying on her cheeks. “Out came the sun and drie’ up all the wain and the izzy bizzy spider clim’ed up the spo’t again.”

Ian walked singing with Ally in his arms over to the bathroom door and knocked. “Everything alright, Mick?”, he asked carefully but got no reaction so he knocked again, “Mick?”

On the other side of the door Mickey was staring at himself in the mirror. The possibility that his sister had bolted for good hit him hard and he had absolutely no sympathy for it. He wondered if it had been Mandy’s plan all along or if she had just spontaneously decided to not come back. His knuckles turned white from gripping the sink too hard. He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing while gathering his thoughts. They didn’t know yet if Mandy had left. There was no need to worry about something that he didn’t even know for sure.

When he felt a little better, he sat down on the closed toilet seat, looking at his hands to get out of his head. He pushed the thoughts of his childhood to the back of his head again as Ian suddenly came in, little Ally squeaking in his arms when she saw her uncle. “Mick? Everything alright?”, Ian repeated and let Ally down so she could run over to Mickey. Mickey nodded weakly in response. The little girl gently put her hands in his and smiled at him.

Seeing her smile at him like that gave him the last bit of hope that maybe Mandy had just overslept and that she was at her apartment waiting for her daughter. After all she had to know what it felt like to be abandoned. He simply couldn’t imagine that she had forgotten about that. 

He looked up at Ian who had gazed at him worriedly since he and Ally had entered. “Okay… so how am I supposed to take a shower when the little one is squeaking every time I leave the room?”

\- - - - - - 

They had managed to get ready and eat breakfast without Ally crying again. Of course Mandy had neither answered her phone nor called them back or let them know where she was, so they headed straight down to her apartment. She had not given them a spare key when she had moved back, so Mickey had to refresh the memory of his lock picking skills when no one was opening the door for them. 

As they arrived in front of Mandy’s apartment door he quickly pulled out the little lock picks and arranged them in the key hole. It didn’t take long until the door was open. Inside it looked like a bomb had just exploded. Clothes both Mandy’s and Ally’s were lying around everywhere and the sink was full of unwashed dishes. It looked like the apartment hadn’t been cleaned for weeks. 

Alana began to fidget in Mickey’s arms when they entered, so he let her down quickly. The little girl ran inside and in her mother’s bedroom. “MAMA!”, she yelled but nobody was answering. She moved to her room and yelled once more but again there was no one that answered her. Mickey put his hand in front of his mouth looking over at Ian who seemed to realize the desperation that was building up in the little girl’s voice.

Alana appeared in the living room again with tear stained eyes. “Mama!”, she said almost reproachfully, “Mama!” And the tears were spilling again. Mickey was quick to pick her up. He could barely stand the pain in the little girls eyes. She didn’t understand the situation. And there was no way anyone could explain it to her so she could understand it. Hell, Mickey couldn’t understand it. So he just held her tightly and hoped that would ease her pain. 

They grabbed a few things from Ally’s room. Mostly clothes and a couple of toys they could carry. They didn’t find any clues to Mandy’s possible whereabouts so they left a note on the kitchen counter that Alana was still with them and that Mandy should call them as soon as she saw the note. Hopeless that she would ever respond they left the little apartment again with a sobbing toddler in Mickey’s arms. 

\- - - - - - 

Back at their apartment, Ally had finally calmed down after crying the whole way. Mickey still carried her in his arms and she seemed reluctant to be let down anytime soon. She just laid her head on his shoulder and began to play with the collar of his shirt. Ian put the stuff they had brought for Alana on the table and looked at it thoughtfully.

“Maybe we should call your mother?”, he said absently. The thought had occurred to Mickey before. After all Mandy might have been more in touch with her than she had been with them. Maybe she knew something? Then again talking to his mother about his sister abandoning her child brought up some weird feelings in his chest. It had taken him a while after Anastasia had returned to forgive her for her actions. He thought the anger about her leaving had faded but being faced with the same scenario just made his skin crawl. He was tired of reliving the same bullshit over and over again. He would just prefer his past to stay in the past and not come back to hunt him anymore.

However he felt about it, he knew he had to make the call. All of this wasn’t about him it was about Alana. He looked down at her and she seemed almost asleep in his arms now. All the crying had to be exhausting. He began rocking her from one side to the other in the hope that she would fall asleep quickly. The sooner she was sleeping, the sooner he could catch a cigarette, calm his nerves and call his mother.

When he looked up he noticed Ian watching him with her. He smiled fondly at them and Mickey flipped him of for it. There was no time for sappy bullshit. He gently put the little girl on the couch and tucked her in a blanket. She whimpered a little but continued to sleep. He gave Ian a sign that he was heading out on the balcony and Ian followed him quietly.

“Are you okay?”, Ian asked when he had closed the balcony door behind them. Mickey had just pulled out a cigarette and lit it, inhaling the smoke deeply. “Fine.”, he grunted not in the mood of sharing his feelings right now. The nicotine slowly calmed his nerves down and he was able to see things clearly again. “You seemed a little off this mornin’…”, Ian continued because of fucking course he couldn’t just drop it. Mickey shrugged. “Yeah, man. If Debbs dumped her kids at our doorstep and bolted you’d be acting off too.”, he replied bluntly. “That’s not what I meant, Mick, and you know it.”, Ian responded calmly. “Well, then what the fuck did you mean, Ian? My sister has fuckin’ dumped her daughter on us. Am I not allowed to be upset about that?”, Mickey returned angrily. Ian just continued to look at him calmly. “It looked like you were having a panic attack this morning… or about to have one, at least.”, he simply stated. Mickey scowled at him and turned around, avoiding his gaze. Ian didn’t have to know everything. 

Was that what it was this morning? A panic attack? Well, what was he panicking about? That he would end up raising his niece? That was nothing to panic. It was inconvenient for him, sad maybe but nothing to freak out about. Was it? 

“Whatever…”, he mumbled and flicked the butt of his cigarette away. “I’m just sayin’…”, Ian continued, “if you feel like that more often it might be good if you talked to somebody about it… you know, see what triggers it and so on…” “I’m not goin’ to a fuckin’ shrink.”, Mickey huffed in response. Ian knew he had hit the mark when Mickey started to act like that but he also knew that it was well in his interest to not push any further. It was his decision and he needed to accept that. “Okay.”, he simply replied and flung his arms around Mickey’s waist, planting a soft kiss on his neck, “Whatever you think is right…” 

Mickey took a deep breath. Ian probably had a point but he couldn’t think about it now. These panic attacks or whatever it was had happened before. They just hadn’t happened in a long ass time and not in Ian’s presence. But he could still handle it, he reassured himself. It wasn't him that was important right now, it was Ally.

While Mickey was in thoughts, Ian took the opportunity to let one of his hands wander down to his husband’s crotch, planting his neck with multiple kisses. “Keep it in your pants, Gallagher. We’re in the fuckin’ spotlight of South Side.”, Mickey chuckled and turned around. Ian immediately kissed him, holding his head steadily while their tongues danced around each other. “Up for a quicky as long as Ally is asleep?”, Ian gasped when they pulled apart. Mickey smirked sensually. “Nothing is ever a quicky with you.”, he replied tucking his fingers into the front of Ian’s pants.

The stared at each other hungrily but before it could go any further little hands knocked at the glass door. They turned around startled as if they were being caught and saw Ally standing there, sleepily rubbing her eyes. Mickey sighed, rearranging his pants quickly. “Guess that won’t happen…”, he said disappointedly. “We’ll just try tonight when she’s asleep again.”, Ian smirked at him and with that he went back inside, cuddling the little girl that wasn’t fully awake yet. Mickey sighed again watching the two and smiled. He took out his phone from his pocket and dialed the familiar number. There was still something he needed to do first.

\- - - - - - 

Mickey had talked to his mother for almost thirty minutes. As expected she hadn’t heard from Mandy in the past two months either. Despite calling her every other week she had rarely answered and replied to text messages with only short answers. Anastasia had suggested that they should file a missing person report if Mandy didn’t show up in the next two days. The police could probably track her down easier and it would grant Mickey and Ian temporary guardianship over Alana at least.

Mickey replayed the conversation in his head. His mother had been shocked about Mandy’s disappearance. She couldn’t imagine why Mandy would leave and for some reason that had made him very angry. Of course he had controlled his feelings on the phone. He didn’t want to blame his mother for Mandy’s absence but there was still something bubbling inside of him. Anastasia had said her goodbyes with a promise that she would come visit them next weekend to help them out with Ally if Mandy still hadn’t shown up by then. 

When Mickey had hung up he kept staring at his phone for another few minutes. He couldn’t make out what it was that made him so angry towards his mother again. It wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t to blame for the situation. In fact she tried to help as best as she could. But it seemed like his subconscious didn’t want to see it. There was a part of him that had wanted to yell at his mother the entire conversation. Let out all the anger and frustration that had built over the last years. But what good would it have done to him? She’d have been hurt and that wouldn’t have helped anyone. So he had swallowed down his anger again. After all this wasn’t about him, he reminded himself. It was about Alana.


	3. 31 hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 31 hours until Mickey has to report his sister missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the delay. I just started a new job and it's hard for me to find the time to be concentrated enough to write. I do wanna write though so just be patient with me :)
> 
> On another note, you probably already noticed this but this whole series is all in the same universe and this universe does neither include season 8 nor 9. It's not that I hate those seasons. I'm actually really excited to watch every new episode but it just doesn't fit in with my fanfic. But let's see how season 9 continues.
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter! And thank you so much for reading! :)

“Mandy, this is like the hundredth time I’m calling you! Your daughter has spent two nights at our place now. You know your daughter? Alana? You remember her? Great, because she has cried for fuckin’ forever and she misses her mother… Christ Mandy. Don’t you remember how much it fuckin’ sucked when Mum left us? Don’t you fuckin’ remember how many nights you’ve cried yourself to sleep back then because she wasn’t there… well, your daughter is goin’ through the same shit right now, so call me the fuck back! Start takin’ some goddamn responsibility for once in your life!”

Mickey was fuming when he hung up. Two days and still no sign of Mandy. The clock was ticking. One more day and they would have to report her missing. 31 hours to be exact. At some point he had started wondering if something had happened to his sister but his anger about her absence didn’t allow sympathy. Whatever the reason she had not returned to pick her daughter up it would never be good enough. 

He put his phone back in his pocket and looked over at the kitchen table where Alana was quietly eating her fruit loops. She hadn’t cried today so far and Mickey counted that as a win. However, she didn’t look exactly happy. At least, he had finally managed to make her sit alone on a chair. He could even leave the room for a couple of minutes for a shower or a toilet break now. Slowly but steadily the little girl gained some trust.

Mickey quickly packed his stuff in his backpack. The circumstances didn’t allow him to take another day off. He just had a whole weekend. Another day and Tory would chop his head off. So Ian and him had decided that Alana had to come to work with him, at least until Ian would finish his shift and could pick her up before he had to hustle to his paramedic classes in the evening after Mickey would have returned from work. 

It was just past nine. They had to get going. Mickey sighed long. He sincerely hoped that Mandy would call him back in the next 31 hours. Or this situation they were having at the moment would probably lengthen to an indefinite period of time.

He leaned over the chair where his niece was still munching her cereal and gently pinched her sides to make her laugh. “Gotta hurry, Ally, we have to be at work in 20 minutes!” The little girl smiled at him for a brief moment and then put her spoon back in her bowl. She then proceeded to stare at him expectantly as she always did when Mickey talked to her. He had rarely even gotten a response but he just assumed that she understood him nonetheless.

After cleaning her cereal bowl, Mickey helped her to put on her little Cinderella sneakers and they were out the door. Off to another day at the office.

\- - - - - - 

When Mickey arrived at the martial arts center, Tory was already there scheduling the next week. She didn’t even look up when he entered their shared office until little Alana stood right next to her. “Mornin’.”, Mickey greeted her tiredly, throwing his backpack on one of the chairs. “Good mornin’?”, Tory asked, giving him a confused look, “You got another kid you didn’t tell me about?” Mickey shook his head, sitting down on another chair to change his shoes.

“My niece… sister dropped her off on the weekend, never picked her up.”, he explained absentmindedly. Alana still gazed at Tory and her shining red colored hair. “You serious?”, Tory asked disbelievingly while she smiled at the little girl. Mickey sighed and nodded. “So, she stays? What are you gonna do with her during your courses?”, Tory asked. “Figured she could just sit aside, watch or something… I have no idea how she keeps herself busy.”, he answered truthfully. All he watched her do in the past two days was sleep, eat, cry and watch TV in between. He hadn’t even figured out their situation yet let alone how to occupy a three year old girl.

“Mmh…”, Tory hummed looking around at her desk, “Maybe she likes to draw?” She pulled some blank sheets from the printer on her desk and a couple of markers and offered them to Mickey. He looked down at his niece who had watched the whole conversation silently. “You like to draw?”, he asked her, not expecting her to answer. Surprisingly, she nodded and stretched her little hands out to the colorful markers. Mickey smiled at Tory. “You’re a genius!”, he said and gave the markers to the little girl who curiously looked at them.

“I know a thing or two… got some nieces and nephews of my own.”, Tory replied returning the smile, “You know how long she’s gonna stay?” “Today or in general?”, he asked in return. “Both.”, Tory answered, smiling again at Alana when the little girl showed her a bright red marker that matched her hair. “Ian’ll pick her up today at around 2 pm when his shift’s done… in general I have no idea! Mandy’s left us with nothin’. No message. No call. Not even a fuckin’ note! Just bolted.”

Tory sighed, running a hand through her long red hair. “I’m sorry about all this, Mick, but if this situation you’re having here’s gonna be permanent, you have to look for a daycare or something. You definitely can’t bring her in here everyday. This will not look good for clients and she’ll distract you, too.”

“Yeah, I know, I know!”, Mickey replied waving a hand, “I’ll think of something… Just lemme get through the day! I still have hope that Mandy’s comin’ back!” Tory nodded and handed him another sheet with a list of names. “Alright… here’s the list for the self defense course at 10. You know the drill: Check attendance and whoever’s marked red better have the fuckin’ money in cash or you gotta send ‘em home.”, Tory explained before she turned to the little girl in front of her again, “As for you, sweetheart, you’ll be really quiet while your uncle’s working, okay?” Alana kept staring at her but didn’t respond. “Yeah, exactly like that!”, Tory laughed and winked at Mickey. As long as she doesn’t start crying, he thought, everything’s gonna be fine.

\- - - - - - 

To Mickey’s surprise Alana seemed to really love drawing. During the morning courses she had consistently painted the sheets Tory had given her with the bright markers. Every once in a while she had taken a break from drawing and had watched Mickey but besides that she had kept quiet. 

He was just done with the last self defense course for the day and there were still a couple of participants in the room. A group of women chatted and giggled in one corner, watching Mickey as he sat on the floor next to his niece. Alana beamed at him with her sweet smile and showed him a particularly colorful picture with red and blue shapes all over it.

“What’s that?”, he asked her and took the sheet from her. She quickly stood up and pointed at the different parts of the picture. “Mama an’ Ally an’ Miggee an’ Eeen.”, she said in her cute little voice, smiling at him widely. Mickey looked at the big blue triangle shape that was supposed to be him and returned her smile. “Pretty!”, he said, just genuinely happy that she was having fun. She sat on his crossed legs and pulled up another drawing. “Cindawella.”, she said and held up a sheet with yellow and blue shapes. “Yeah, you like her, don’t you?”, he asked, taking the sheet from her. She nodded enthusiastically and looked up at him expectantly. 

Mickey was about to look at the other drawings of his niece when he heard a sudden “hrumph” behind him. He turned around and saw one of the women from the last course standing there. He quickly stood up because she looked like she had a question for him. Tory had emphasized that he would always have to be available for questions. A good service is what makes clients happy. Happy clients like to come back and recommend the place. And that undoubtedly leads to more money in their pockets.

So he approached the woman trying to be as friendly as he could, watching Alana from the corner of his eyes. “Can I help you?”, he asked politely. The woman blushed and began to fumble with the jacket in her hands. “Um… Yes… I… You… Is that your daughter?”, she asked shyly. Surprised he turned around to look at Alana and then back to the woman. He had expected any question but not that one. What was wrong with her anyway? “Uh… no, my niece actually.”, he replied slowly. The women’s face suddenly lit up. “Oh, so there’s no Mrs. Milkovich?”, she asked happily but he didn’t pay much attention to the question since Ian had just entered the room. “Uh… no. No there is not.”, he answered absentmindedly, watching Ian as he scooped up Alana, “Um… is there anything else I can help you with?” The woman began to stutter but couldn’t quite answer his question, except for shaking her head. Whatever that was all about. “Alright then… see you next week.”, he said and walked over to Ian and Alana. 

Ian greeted him with a wide smile and a quick kiss on the lips. The room had emptied except for the woman who quickly rushed past them out the door. “What was that all about?”, Ian asked looking after her. Mickey shrugged. “Fuck if I know…”, he replied and picked up Alana’s drawings from the floor. “Was she flirting with you?”, Ian asked again and Mickey scowled at him in return. “What? Why would she do that?”, he asked confused. “I don’t know… just looked like it.”, Ian replied smirking, “What’d she want?” Mickey shrugged again. “Asked if Alana’s mine and something about a Mrs. Milkovich… Oh fuck me!”, he exclaimed when it suddenly became plain obvious to him. Ian couldn’t contain his laughter and even Alana joined in probably without even knowing what they were laughing about. “Tory’s gonna tear me a new one if we lose her as a client…”, Mickey mumbled absentmindedly, “Shit…” Ian gently stroke his arm. “Don’t worry about it! You didn’t do anything wrong!”, he chuckled for which he earned another scowl from Mickey.

“Any sign from Mandy?”, Ian asked to change the subject, still balancing Alana on his hips. “Nope… left her another message this morning.”, Mickey answered while they began to walk upstairs to the office. “Okay, so she still has what now?”, Ian asked thinking. “26 hours.”, Mickey answered, opening the office door for them. “26 hours…”, Ian repeated and sat down on one of the chairs before he let Alana go get her little shoes, “You really think we should go through with it? I mean the missing person report… Isn’t she like in the system for bad parenting then or whatever they wanna call it?” Mickey sighed, opening a bottle of water and taking a sip. “Not our problem… she knows the consequences.” , he replied, before handing the bottle to Alana and help her drink. 

“I know it’s not our problem… but what if something has happened to her? Don’t we like ruin her reputation with that or somethin’?”, Ian argued, while he helped the little girl put on her shoes, “Did she eat today?” Mickey nodded, closing the water bottle. “Yeah, fruit loops for breakfast and half a sandwich for lunch… So what if we ruin her reputation? She brought in on herself. And if somethin’s happened to her than we should all the more go through with it. I hate to admit it but the cops might just be able to help.”, he replied coldly. 

Alana looked up at him with her usual curious look before slipping her hand in his. He smiled at her and crouched down before her. “I still have to work a little more, so you go home now with Ian, okay?”, he told her carefully. Alana looked between him and Ian and squeezed his hand tighter. “No.”, she whispered and her eyes began to fill up. Here we go again, he thought. He took a deep breath and tried it again. “You can go to the playground with Ian or watch TV with him… whatever you want.”, he tried to convince her but she continued to sniffle. “No!”, she emphasized louder. Ian leaned down to her now as well, stroking her arms comfortingly. “You wanna go for ice-cream?”, he asked carefully and now the tears began to spill from her eyes. She clung to Mickey’s neck and cried in his shoulder. 

Mickey patted her back with one hand and rubbed his eyes with the other. He felt like every time he heard the little girl cry something scratched inside his skull. He picked her up and pressed her a little tighter to him. “What are we gonna do?”, he heard Ian ask from far away but he couldn’t answer. He had no answer. What the fuck were they supposed to do with a three year old girl that was abandoned by her mother, his sister? The sister he had comforted a couple of years back when their own mother had bolted. 

“Maybe I should just take her? She has to learn it eventually…”, he heard Ian say. Mickey felt Ian’s hand on his arm but it wasn’t enough to pull him from his thoughts. “Mama.”, Alana cried in his arms and he felt every bit of her pain. He had been there before. Holding his little sister. “Mick?” Now his niece. “Mick?” The crying. The nightmares. The fucking pain. “Mick?!”, Ian jolted him from his thoughts.

Confused he opened his eyes and looked at his husbands worried face. “What?”, he asked irritated. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?”, Ian asked concernedly. Mickey silently stared at him for a moment, gathering his thoughts. What the fuck was wrong with him? What were these trailing thoughts bullshit and memory flashbacks all about? Alana still sniffed in his shoulder. “Nothin’… I… I guess you have to stay here with her.”, he replied hesitantly. Ian seemed to consider shortly if he should drop it it or not but decided to not ask any further.

“Fine.”, he said tiredly, “Then I guess we’ll just sit here watching you doing your stuff.” Mickey nodded, silently rocking Alana from one side to the other. The little girl slowly calmed down. Ian sat on one of the office chairs. “You buckle too easily!”, he sighed, shaking his head. “Yeah, well, give her a fuckin’ break… she just lost her mother! We don’t have to put her through any more trauma.”, Mickey replied before he tilted his head a little to see if Alana had stopped crying. Once again she leaned on his shoulder staring into nothingness, tears slowly drying on her cheeks. 

“I know that! But she has to start trusting us eventually. And if she’s goin’ to stay then we should build that trust sooner rather than later.”, Ian argued calmly. Mickey snorted. “Mandy’s comin’ back, period! There’ll be no prolonged stay or anythin’. We’ll just make sure that Alana’s fine until Mandy returns and if that means that you and her spend a day at the office with me then so be it.” Ian scratched the back of his head. “Well… I wished I could be as optimistic as you are but whatever.”, he mumbled before he stretched his arms out in Mickey’s direction to take the little girl, “So she likes to draw, huh?”

\- - - - - -

Mickey leaned against his car, quietly smoking a cigarette, watching the entrance of the police department. 20 minutes. Mandy had another 20 minutes to call him or Ian before he had to go in there to report her missing. He checked his phone again for the hundredth time that day. No messages. He sighed exhaustedly. 

Yesterday had gone by quickly with Ian spending the afternoon with him and Ally at the center. Today they had proceeded the same way as yesterday since Ally wouldn’t stay with anybody else but him. Right now she was fast asleep on the backseat of his car. Exhausted from the long day. Looking at her sleeping so peacefully, he knew one thing: Alana wouldn’t have it as bad as Mandy and him. He would make sure of it. Come what may.

10 minutes. He unlocked his phone again and dialed Mandy’s number. One last message. One last chance before he had to go inside. “Mandy, it’s me again… I’m sorry but if you’re not callin’ me back in the next ten minutes I’m gonna report you missing.”, he began, taking another deep breath, “Listen… I know you’ve probably had it rough the last couple of months but… I… I just want you to know that nobody’s mad at you for leaving. You can still do the right thing and be a mother to Ally. She misses you and she… she loves you very much. I really hope you consider comin’ back. For her sake. She needs her mom, you know? Okay… so, call me!” 

When he hung up he had to fight his own tears. This whole situation was too messed up and it would become even worse. Before, he had just thought that Mandy needed a break but now? What if she was never coming back? What if something had happened to her? What would happen to Ally? What was one supposed to do in a situation like this? 

He put away his phone and sighed again. It was time to go in.


	4. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The DCFS pays a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

“Alright, we have like 15 minutes.”  
“15 minutes? For what?”  
“You know for what!”  
“Jesus, Gallagher, are you really that fuckin’ needy?”  
“It’s been almost a week!”  
“Yeah… ?”  
“Don’t even tell me you don’t want it! I saw you eye-fucking me all evening!”  
“Mmmh…”  
“14 minutes, Mick!”  
“You really think she’ll keep watching her show?”  
“She won’t even know we’re gone! We’ll be quick!”  
“Mmh…”  
“Mick!”  
“Alright, alright! Lock the fuckin’ door then!”

Ian hurried to lock the bathroom door while Mickey quickly took off his clothes and turned on the shower. They hadn’t had much alone time since Alana was staying at their place. The little girl didn’t like to be alone. She was only distracted when she was watching her cartoons on TV. The shower seemed like the perfect place for an intimate togetherness.

Ian turned to his naked husband and pressed a long sloppy kiss on his lips before Mickey helped him undress himself. They entered the shower and continued their hungry make-out session. It didn’t take long for them both to come under the hot shower, craving desperately for the other man’s body. However, when they turned off the water they already heard the insecure whimpering of their niece from the other side of the bathroom door and a loud bang followed by the ringing of their doorbell.

“Shit… who the fuck?”, Mickey mumbled when they both hurried to get out of the shower. “Dunno…”, Ian replied putting on his clothes, “Can you get Ally? I’ll see who it is.” Mickey nodded fumbling with his shirt. Ian left the bathroom and Ally quickly slipped in. She sniffled a little but calmed down as soon as Mickey scooped her up. He heard muffled voices from the front door and slowly began walking towards it.

“We are from the department of children and family services and would like to check on Alana Milkovich’s living conditions. Her mother has been reported missing and it is stated that Alana lives here now, is that correct?”, a tall woman with a no-bullshit-attitude asked Ian. Mickey saw Ian shift from one leg to the other. They had been told yesterday that DCFS would check in with them but they hadn’t expected that they would just be standing at their door the next day. 

Ian turned around when he heard Mickey approach him with Alana in his arms. “Yeah, she’s here.”, he stated the obvious, stepping aside so the tall woman and her slightly shorter colleague could enter. “Who of you is Mr. Mikhailo Milkovich?”, she asked again, looking between Ian and Mickey. “That’s me.”, Mickey answered hesitantly. The woman took another step forward and stretched out her hand to him while her colleague scribbled on a notepad. Mickey eyed her warily but took her hand. “My name’s Amelia Smith I was assigned to Alana’s case. I understand that you are her uncle?” She pointed at the little girl in his arms and he nodded.

She turned around to Ian again. “And who are you in relation to Alana Milkovich?”, she asked him. “Uncle… I guess. I’m his husband.”, he answered carefully. She looked at both of them and nodded. “Alright, then I assume you live here, too?”, she asked and Ian nodded himself in response. She turned to Mickey and looked Alana up and down before she spoke again: “Can we take a look around to see if you’re fulfilling all requirements for being a foster parent?” 

Foster parent? Mickey shivered at the sound of that phrase. Somehow the words had a negative connotation for him. He pressed Alana to his chest and took a step back to make room for Mrs. Smith. “Yeah, sure.”, he said quietly and the woman and her colleague began to glance around in their living room. 

“How many rooms besides this one?”, she asked looking at Ian’s photo wall. “One more, down the hall.”, Ian answered following her every step as her colleague scribbled on his notepad again. Mickey stood in the living room, glued to the spot. He had a bad feeling. Like this was an interrogation and they would take Alana away from them. “Where does Alana sleep?”, Mrs Smith continued to ask. “She sleeps in our bed.”, Ian answered hesitantly, already predicting that this wasn’t a good answer. “Hmm.”, was all the social worker said to that as she walked to the bedroom and then to the bathroom. “Are you employed?”, Mickey heard her ask from the bathroom. “Yeah, I’m an EMT and Mikhailo is a fitness coach.”, Ian answered truthfully. “And who is taking care of her when you are at work?”, she asked again. “We arranged our shifts so one of us is at home with her when the other one’s at work.”, Ian replied which was only halfway true but the social worker didn’t have to know that.

“Alright then.”, Mrs. Smith said when she re-entered the living room, “Let’s have a chat.” Ian gesticulated towards the couch and they sat down. Mickey let Alana down but she stayed right beside him, holding on tightly to his legs. “So,” Mrs Smith began, “there are a few things we need to discuss.” She grabbed the notepad from her colleague and looked at what he had scribbled down. “I probably don’t have to tell you that Alana can’t continue to sleep in your bed. I know she’s only three years old but she needs her own bed and her own room, which leads me to the next item on this list: Your apartment. If she continues to stay with you, you need at least one more bedroom to give her the possibility to retreat. Around here there’s not enough space and she can’t live here.” 

The words cut Mickey like a knife. He tensed and immediately pulled Alana close to him again. “You… you can’t take her away.”, he said stubbornly. Alana seemed to notice the change of mood and began to whimper again, digging her little fingers in his arms. “I’m trying to decide what’s best for Alana. I’m not the enemy!”, Mrs, Smith emphasized but Mickey wouldn’t hear it. “What’s best for her? What’s best for her is that she stays with us! What do you wanna do? Place her in some overcrowded foster family where she doesn’t know anyone and no one gives a shit? How is that the best for her?”, he argued defensively. He felt Ian’s hand on his thigh, trying to calm him down.

“We first and foremost try to place her with people she knows, like family members or people that took care of her before. If there’s no one willing or there’s no one there we place her in a foster family of our choosing. And I can assure you that our foster families are supervised by the state. Not just anyone can be a foster parent.”, Mrs Smith answered calmly. “Bullshit!”, Mickey spat out, “You know as much as me that these so called supervised foster families are usually just after the money they receive for taking care of a child. This has nothin’ to do with what’s best for that child this is simply about the money!” 

“Mr. Milkovich,” the woman exhorted him, “I assure you I’m not trying to rip Alana away from you and place her with people she doesn’t know! As I said, we just need to make sure that all requirements are met and right now you don’t meet these requirements.” Mickey took a deep breath, ready for the next retort when Mrs. Smith suddenly spoke again. “Which does not mean that you don’t get the time to adjust. We’re not taking her with us today. We just wanted to get an impression of what her living conditions are at the moment and that she’s safe and cared for. And that much I can say, you passed that part with flying colors.”

Mickey calmed down a little and leaned back on the couch. He bit his bottom lip and gently stroke Alana’s hair. “How much time do we have to meet the requirements?”, Ian suddenly asked. “Until our next visit which will be in four weeks if nothin’ changes.”, Mrs. Smith replied, “Is there another relative she could stay with? Grandparents? Other Uncles and Aunts?” “A grandmother.”, Ian answered trying to sound as polite as possible. “Can you give me an address and a phone number maybe, so I can reach her?”, Mrs. Smith asked in her professional tone. “Sure.”, Ian answered again and offered to note down Anastasia’s information. 

“Okay, that’s all for now.”, Mrs. Smith said and stood up, quickly followed by her note pad colleague and gave Ian a card, “You let me know if the mother’s reaching out to you. Besides that you get a bigger apartment and make sure she has her own bed and her own room and the next visit should be fine. On another note, if you’re trying to push for legal guardianship or adoption you should probably get a lawyer that can advise you.”, the social worker said and left with her colleague.

Mickey was still pissed when Ian closed the door behind them and sat down next to his husband. He stared at the wall frowning as if it had threatened him. “So…”, Ian began, carefully placing a hand on Mickey’s thighs again, “We need a bigger apartment.” Mickey clenched his fists. “That stupid bitch…”, he mumbled still staring. Ian stroke his thigh to calm him down but with no luck. “Who the fuck does she even think she is?! She knows fuck all!”, Mickey yelled upset.

Ian took a deep breath and tried to smile at Alana who looked insecurely between the two men. “Mick, she’s not trying to take Alana away from us!”, Ian emphasized, “I think this meeting went really well for us… I mean they didn’t criticize anything besides that Ally doesn’t have her own room and bed and four weeks is doable! We could ask Fiona or go have a look ourselves for another apartment. We’ve even talked about moving just a couple of weeks ago.”

Mickey snorted and got up, pacing around the room. “You heard her! She wants to contact my mom! My fuckin’ mother who once upon a time has abandoned her own children? Go figure that fuckin’ shit! How could she be a better fit than us? Huh?” Ian now stood up himself, slowly approaching the other man. He somehow had a feeling that this was about more than just that meeting. “Mick, I really don’t think that the social worker will just hand Ally over to Anastasia. I actually think that she just needed another option if we don’t manage to take care of Ally. She was just doing her job! There’s nothin’ to flip out about!”

“Really? Nothing? What if she takes her away? What if a new apartment is suddenly not good enough? What if we still don’t meet the goddamn requirements?”, Mickey asked, breathing heavily. Alana watched the scene in front of her with scared big eyes before her uncle continued his rant. “I’ll tell you what happens! She’ll be shipped off to my mother or even worse to some asshole family who give less than two shits about her! You’ve been to fuckin’ foster care for god’s sake! You know how fuckin’ awful it can be!”

Mickey took a step back since his head began to whirl and his vision went blurry. He frantically reached behind himself and held on to the table but he felt like his body had lost all his power. He didn’t hear or see anything anymore. All that was there was this blinding rage and the frustration that had built up in him for so long. He felt himself sinking to his knees, trying to catch a breath. But it seemed like there was no air left in the room for him to breathe.

He expected there to be pain when he hit the floor but there wasn’t. Instead two firm hands grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him upright. 

Far far away he heard a child crying. He immediately thought about his sister but that couldn’t be! Could it? He tried to open his eyes but his lids were just too heavy. 

“Breath, Mick!” 

He tried. He really did but it was so damn hard. 

“Breath with me!”

He suddenly felt a body pressed against his and the slow steady breathing of another man’s chest against his back. He tried to focus on that and it seemed to work. 

In. 

Out. 

In. 

Out. 

When his conscience came slowly back to him the first thing he realized was that he sat on the floor and his body ached as if he had just run a marathon. The next thing was the whimpering child next to him. Ally! Who had crouched down, watching him anxiously. 

“Mick?”, a very familiar voice said right in his ear. Ian! That’s when he realized that Ian was sitting right behind him, holding him firmly. What the fuck did just happen? “What?”, he answered hoarsely. Very slowly it all came back to him. The DCFS, Mrs. Smith, Alana, his mother. “You wanna tell me what’s goin’ on with you?”, Ian asked carefully, not letting go of him. Alana stretched her hands out to him and he quickly pulled her into his lap, cradling her like it had been her who had lost consciousness. 

“I… I don’t know…”, he whispered, finally being able to breath normally again. A mean headache began to spread in his forehead and he knew he didn’t want to talk about all this right now. It was late. He felt exhausted and he needed to lie down. “Let’s just go to bed, okay?”, he asked more than he demanded and shuffled with his feet to stand up. Ally quickly slipped her hand in his while Ian watched him worriedly. 

“We should talk about this, Mick! I mean it!”, Ian said, following his husband and niece to their bedroom. Ally immediately jumped on the bed and made herself comfortable. Mickey stared at her blankly before he turned around to his husband. “We will… Just not now, okay?”, he sounded almost pleadingly. Ian saw the desperation and fear in Mickey’s eyes. Something was working inside him and something had been working inside him for a long time now. He didn’t exactly knew what but he had a feeling where this was going. All he had to do now was give his husband the space and the time he needed to come around. They would talk about it. Just not now.


	5. Contemplation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is reflecting about their situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo this is Ian's POV. This chapter was as interesting as it was a pain in the ass to write. It's pretty lengthy but I think it turned out really good! I hope you enjoy it. :)
> 
>  
> 
> As for season 9
> 
> *Spoilers* Skip the rest of the notes if you haven't seen season 9 ep. 6 yet ;)
> 
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> BAM! What a great ending! :) :) :)  
> I honestly had no hope for Mickey to return. I've never been so wrong in my life and I couldn't be happier! Our boys can finally be together! Who would've thought that this whole gay-Jesus-goin-to-prison-thing had something good to it. Even though Cam is out I sincerely hope for some more scenes with Mickey like a little more explanation what he's been through in Mexico etc.  
> I can't wait for the Fanfics that evolve from this!  
> SO freakin happy :) :) :)
> 
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> 
> *End of spoilers*

Ian was pacing through the kitchen of his former home. He would have to get to the center soon but he still had some time for coffee with his older brother. They hadn’t seen each other in a while and it was good to talk to someone else for a change. After all, he needed to take care of himself, too. Yesterday’s visit and Mickey’s panic attack had caught him off guard. He hadn’t known how much this situation was stirring his husband up, nevermind giving him panic attacks but Mickey had just always been good at hiding the things that were on his mind. Until he couldn’t hide them anymore.

He grabbed two cups and the coffee pot and put it on the table in front of his brother. Lip had just lit himself a cigarette, offering one to Ian. “You know I quit ages ago!”, Ian smirked and poured some coffee into the two cups. “Sorry… bad habit.”, Lip replied taking a deep drag, “So, what’s gotten you so riled up? Thought you were finally finding some kind of routine with Alana?”

Ian considered his brother’s words for a moment. Routine was probably an overstatement. They still hadn’t managed that Alana stayed alone with him. Whenever Mickey was out of sight she began to cry and Mickey buckled every goddamn time, forcing Ian to spend his afternoons at the center. On top of it all he was way behind on his paramedic classes. He really needed to study.

“Yo, earth to Ian! You wanna give me an answer or just stare at the wall all day?”, Lip snapped his fingers in front of his face. Ian turned his gaze to him, realizing that he must’ve zoned out. “We reported Mandy missing two days ago.”, he finally answered, laying his head in one hand and cradling his coffee mug in front of him with the other, “And the DCFS paid us a visit yesterday to check on Ally’s living conditions.”

“They did, huh? How’d it go?”, Lip asked again, taking a sip of his coffee. He looked at Ian with his concerned-older-brother-look that Ian used to hate but nowadays he cherished it. Maybe because as grown-ups they didn’t have that much time together anymore and somehow it felt good to be cared for. He realized he was zoning out again so he quickly tried to answer Lips question.

“I think it went really good… all they criticized was that we are short of one bedroom and a bed for her. Besides that they didn’t complain. I think they even want her to stay with us.” Lip nodded a small smirk was forming on his lips. “Ever thought that these motherfuckers were actually on our side for once?”, he laughed, stomping out his cigarette in the ashtray. Ian returned the laugh. “Never… They seemed to be fairly pleased with us… we just have to get a bigger apartment within four weeks and we’re fine. We’ll be fuckin’ foster parents, go figure!”

“So, you wanna go through with it?”, Lip continued. Ian tilted his head a little. Mickey and him hadn’t talked about anything yet but somehow this was out of the question. Alana would stay with them. They would just have to figure out the details. “Yeah, I think so… I think we do.”, he replied thoughtfully. “I thought Mickey didn’t want kids? Or has he changed his mind because it’s Mandy’s?”, Lip asked, quirking an eyebrow. 

Ian shrugged. “I don’t know what it is but he’s just really protective over Ally. I think he’s somehow reliving his own bullshit childhood and wants to make it better or something.”, Ian sighed, rubbing his temples because he felt a headache forming underneath, “I just… I have never seen him like this. When his mum came back I thought he would finally work some of this shit out but I don’t know… now it’s like he has no other choice but he’s still fightin’ against it!”

“Whaddaya mean?”, Lip asked again.  
“I mean that he’s confronted with it every day so has to deal with it every day but he doesn’t wanna deal with it. Like at all. He’s always focusing just on the next thing, the next step like he always does but right now he’s not thinking ahead nor is he facing his own past. For him it’s just that Ally stays with us. You should’ve seen how mad he was yesterday when the social worker mentioned the possibility of his mum taking care of Ally. He freaked out and…”, Ian suddenly stopped, realizing that Mickey probably didn’t want anyone to know about this. He took a deep breath. “I mean it’s just weird with him.”

Lip nodded again, watching his little brother calmly. “Maybe this is a way for him to work through this.”, he suggested and lit himself another smoke, “With all the bullshit he was facing when he was a kid… maybe that’s his way to heal?” Ian scratched his brow thinking about his brother’s words. “I’m not sure… to me it feels like he refuses to really face his past and bottles it up again just so it can explode when he cannot control it.”, he replied, finally taking a sip of his mug. 

The bitter taste washed down his throat, reminding him of a time when they both had no time to worry about those things. They both had shitty childhoods. And one had never pitied the other for it. That had been an unspoken rule for as long as he could remember back. But a lot had changed in the past 15 years. Shoving down unresolved issues didn’t help. Refusing to face your own past didn’t help. At some point it would come back to bite you in the ass, of that Ian was sure. But how could he help the man he loved so much? How could he help him, help himself?

“How are you dealing with all of this?”, Lip jolted him from his thoughts, “I mean are you ready to take that kind of responsibility?” Ian shrugged. “It is what it is and you know how it is here. Children aren’t planned, they just happen…”, he sighed, taking another big gulp of his mug.  
“Yeah, but I mean do you want this? If you were to decide. Is that like enough for you? Are you happy with the situation?”, Lip sputtered his questions.  
“I think so, I mean I wanna be a dad. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. If Mandy is really gone for good I’d gladly take care of Ally… if Mickey’s on board of course.”, Ian answered hesitantly, “I think he is for the moment but I’m not sure if he’s thinking it all through.”

Lip smiled again around his cigarette. “Man, I really think you guys should talk, figure this shit out. There’s a little girl depending on you now and if you both want her to stay then you should be on the same page!” Ian nodded absentmindedly. They would definitely have to talk. But it wasn’t an easy topic. And Ian feared Mickey’s reaction. He feared that he would crawl back into this little cocoon he had built for himself only to break at some point. 

“You know what’s funny?”, Ian suddenly said. “What?”, Lip replied immediately. “I’m bipolar but I think I’m more stable than he is, right now.”, Ian continued with a sad smirk playing on his lips. Lip huffed a laugh. “Yeah, you are… and he will be, too. Maybe you should just drag him to your shrink, someday?”, he suggested smiling. “You’ve met my husband, right?”, Ian laughed, emptying his mug with one last gulp while standing up. It was time for him to go and his brother needed to get his ass back to work. 

“Alright man, it was good seeing you!”, Ian said while pulling his brother into a bear hug. Lip returned the warm embrace with an honest smile on his face. “You too, little brother, you too!”

\- - - - - - 

They came home at around 5 and Ian immediately sank into the couch cushions. He was exhausted from the day and it would even get more exhausting. He still had to go to his paramedic class in an hour and he hadn’t even read the newest chapter of their course book yet. Essentials of Paramedic Medicine II. Usually, he was interested in this kind of knowledge but today he couldn’t bring himself to touch a book. Not under these circumstances. He needed to rest and he needed to figure this shit out with Mickey. 

He was about to turn his head to see what the other two were doing when Mickey flopped down next to him on the couch, followed by Alana who quickly crawled between them. Mickey looked over at him worriedly. “You alright?”, he asked taking Ian’s hand in his. Ian nodded tiredly. “Yeah, just exhausted… still have to go down to Malcolm X and show up for class.”, he answered, running a thumb over his husband’s hand. Mickey squeezed his hand fondly and smiled at him. “You could skip.”, he suggested, knowing very well that Ian would never skip a class unless it was an emergency. “Nah… I just take a shower, grab something to eat… wanna order take-out?”, he replied with a yawn. “Sure.”, Mickey nodded and pulled out his phone while Ian sluggishly stood up to move to the bathroom. “Pizza or Chinese?”, Mickey asked, staring at his phone for the right delivery service. “Don’t care. Surprise me!”, Ian answered, closing the bathroom door behind him.

He took off his uniform and threw it next to the washing machine. A huge pile of dirty clothes had formed there but Ian couldn’t care less at the moment. He was tired. He didn’t have the power to remind Mickey that it was his turn to do the laundry so he just left it like that and slid under the hot shower. The warm water felt good on his skin and relaxed his tensed muscles. He leaned his head against the tiles and closed his eyes for a moment. Just breathing in and out, trying to ease the tension that had built in his body over the day.

He recalled the day he had had and his brother’s words suddenly came to his mind. ‘Are you happy with the situation?’ He considered the words again and again. He had answered his brother’s question so quickly but now that he had a moment to himself he really thought it through. 

He had wanted kids for a really long time. He had always pictured it differently. Like that they would decide at some point to have children. Go to an adoption agency or something like that. Now they had been just thrown in the situation. And he highly doubted that Mandy was coming back to reclaim her daughter. So taking care of Alana wasn’t just the necessary thing to do, it was the right thing to do. 

And he hadn’t lied when he had said that he gladly did it. He loved the little girl. From the moment she was born, he had tried to be the best uncle he could be. And now he tried to be the best dad he could be. 

Did he though? 

He was there for her and he tried to spend time with her. He took care of her. But was he really into this? Wholeheartedly? He couldn’t answer that question for himself. He wondered if Mickey asked himself the same thing. Things just seemed so clear to him. Did they?

Ian got jolted from his thoughts when Mickey knocked at the door, telling him that Pizza had arrived. They would have to talk after class tonight. It was inevitable now. He needed to know what their future would look like and he needed to know that Mickey was okay with this. That Mickey knew what he was signing up for. They just had to.

\- - - - - - 

When Ian came back from community college, Mickey was already snoring quietly in their bed. He must’ve fallen asleep, while reading a bedtime story to Alana. The bedside lamp was still on and a copy of ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ was resting on his stomach right next to their sleeping niece. If it had been any other day Ian would have let him sleep. The sight was heartwarming and he had to admit that his husband did a really good job in taking care of Alana. 

But they had to talk. Ian couldn’t spend one more day not knowing what was going on with Mickey. He needed to know what kind of demons Mickey was fighting. He needed to know if Alana would stay for good. And he needed to know if his husband was ready for all this.

Ian walked to Mickey’s bedside. First he needed to get Alana off his husbands chest since he knew how Mickey usually reacted when he got woken up. He picked her up gingerly and laid her on his side of the bed before covering her with his blanket again. Besides a little murmur she kept sleeping. Then he took the book from Mickey’s stomach and gently shook his shoulder. As predicted Mickey was immediately upright in bed, ready to punch any threat in the face.

Ian used to think that this way of waking up would change over the years when Mickey would start to feel safer and gain some trust in his surroundings. But Ian knew now that this was a purely instinctual reaction. Something that was ingrained in him and that had probably helped him survive when he was younger. Another leftover of his fucked up childhood and youth.

“What’s goin’ on?”, Mickey asked, sleepily rubbing his eyes. “We need to talk!”, Ian said quietly, turning around to move to the living room. Mickey followed him sluggishly, sitting down next to him on the couch. “What the fuck Gallagher? I was sleeping!”, Mickey complained but immediately shut up when he saw Ian’s gaze. “You said yesterday we’d talk… after your panic attack, remember?”, Ian reminded him and Mickey couldn’t help but nod resignedly. It was no use to argue. 

“Fine… so what do you wanna talk about?”, Mickey asked carefully.

“I wanna know why you’re having panic attacks! I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the first, was it? And it won’t be the last one either if we don’t figure out what triggers it.”

Mickey stared at his husband for a moment before he sighed and ran a hand over his face. “I don’t know shit. It just happens… sometimes. It’s not really a big deal! I can handle it.”, he replied and silently hoped the answer was satisfying. No such luck.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You literally collapsed in my arms yesterday and you wanna tell me that that’s not a big deal? What the fuck, Mick?” 

Mickey rolled his eyes. “It’s really not… I’ve been dealing with this stuff… I’ve been dealing with it for a really long time. It’s fine, Ian. Don’t make it worse than it is.”

Ian just stared at him incredulously. “You can’t be serious! How?? Just… How did I not know this?”

Mickey shrugged. He clearly didn’t like the topic of their conversation. “I don’t know… I usually don’t plan that shit. It just sorta happens and I’m not always flaking out, okay? As I said I can handle it.”

Ian shook his head disbelievingly. Of all the answers Mickey could have given him this was the least he had expected. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “Fine, you think you can deal with it… whatever, deal with it but let me just remind you that when I had a panic attack you didn’t back down until I went to see my fuckin’ shrink!“

Mickey snorted, raising his eyebrows. “That was different!”

“Different? Different how? Because I’m bipolar and it’s normal for me to see a shrink? Don’t be a fuckin’ hypocrite, Mick!”, Ian almost yelled at this point. He just couldn’t believe how lightly his husband was taking all this. And Mickey was completely clueless. He didn’t know what triggered it nor did he know what started it. 

Ian took another deep breath trying to calm down and gather his thoughts. Getting Mickey to admit he had a problem would probably take some time and there were other things to discuss right now, too.

“Okay… we’ll talk about this some other time. What about Ally, though?”, Ian asked, changing the subject.  
“What about her?”, Mickey asked in return.  
“What’s goin’ to happen to her?”  
“She’ll stay with us… I thought that was clear?!”  
“Yeah but we never actually had that conversation until now.”  
“So you’re not okay with it?”  
“Yes, I’m okay with it. We just never really talked about it.”  
“What is there to talk about if we’re both on the same page?”

Ian was about to go for Mickey’s jugular when he reminded himself that he loved the man in front of him very much.

“So we’re gettin’ a bigger apartment then?”, he asked instead.  
“I guess… we could have a look around. See what’s out there. Maybe even buy a place. We both earn enough. We could afford a condo or a even a small house, maybe?”  
“You wanna buy a house?”, Ian asked disbelievingly.  
“Yeah, why not?”  
“So you want Ally to live with us? For good? If Mandy doesn’t come back?”  
“Even if she’s comin’ back, I don’t care. Ally’s gonna stay with us.”  
“Why?”  
“What do you mean why? Because she fuckin’ needs us? Who else is there?”  
“Your mother.”  
“Are you serious? Nah man, she only got us!”  
“I don’t get why you’re suddenly so hostile towards your mum. She didn’t abandon Ally. Mandy did. Ana actually helped Mandy the first two years, remember?”  
“I’m not hostile.”  
“Yes you are.”  
“Whatever, I’m not lettin’ my mum take her away. Why the fuck do you complain anyways? I thought you always wanted kids?”  
“Yeah, but you never did!”  
“What’s that gotta do with it?”  
“You never wanted kids but suddenly it is alright that we’re raising Ally? Are you thinking this through Mick? Because this is exactly what you never wanted.”

Mickey frowned shaking his head.

“That’s different.”  
“It’s really not”  
“No but it is. Ally needs us! She’s our goddamn niece for Christ’s sake. Do you wanna tell me you would give her away to strangers to raise her?”  
“No I wouldn’t give her away but you don’t see the point I’m making here. I don’t think you know what you’re signing up for.”

Mickey fell silent. He just stared at Ian for a moment before he stood up and grabbed his smokes from the counter.

“I need a fuckin’ smoke!”, he mumbled and walked out on the balcony. Ian followed him quickly on his heels.

“I really don’t get why you’re so mad about all this. I mean you should be happy! I’m finally on board with that whole kids thing and now you start complaining.”, Mickey said when Ian had closed the door behind himself. 

“I’m not mad. I just want you to realize what we’re gettin’ into right now! This is a big responsibility! It’s not like buying a gold fish. If Ally stays, she stays for good and we are responsible for her until she’s an adult. That means that we have to take care of her for at least 15 more years. Are you aware of what that means?”

Mickey lit himself a cigarette and inhaled the smoke. “Course I do. What’d you think? I‘ve taken on that kinda responsibility before.”

“Yevgeny only spends every other weekend here so that’s not really comparable.”, Ian pointed out.

Mickey breathed out smoke through his nostrils. “Yeah I’m not really talking about Yevgeny, though.”, he said calmly.

Ian frowned at him confused. 

“Mandy.”, Mickey clarified, “You thought my dad took care of us or what? Motherfucker was in and out of prison. And if he was there he couldn’t care less.”

Something in Ian’s mind suddenly clicked. The connection. The trigger of Mickey’s panic attacks was rooted in his childhood when he had to take care of his sister instead of simply being a child. 

“So you took care of Mandy?”  
“Yeah I did. Who else was there?”  
“I thought your aunt maybe…?  
“Oh c’mon aunt Rande? All that bitch ever did was cover for my dad when DCFS paid a visit. She was a fuckin’ witch.”  
“Was?”  
“Died a couple of years ago…”  
“Sorry.  
“Who the fuck cares?”  
“I thought you and Mandy weren’t that close… I mean she never told me this stuff.”  
“We weren’t exactly close… I just did what I had to do. Got our brothers to protect her, too, at some point but these buffoons were just too unreliable.”

Ian sighed, running a hand over his face. All of this suddenly seemed to make sense. He made a mental note to talk to his doctor about all this. Their next appointment would be a lengthy one. 

“Whatcha thinkin’, firecrotch?”, Mickey suddenly asked, taking a deep drag from his cigarette.  
“I think you’re amazing!”, Ian replied absentmindedly.

“Can you please add something sexual to that compliment, otherwise I can’t take it.”, Mickey smirked, throwing the cigarette butt over the handrail. Ian answered with a firm kiss to his lips, cupping his face with both hands.

“Your ass is amazing, too!”, he added, when they pulled apart and pressed himself closer against his husband. “Is that so?”, Mickey hummed, turned on. Ian nodded, kissing him again. This was the only thing easy with Mickey. And Ian was glad about that.

“One more thing before I fuck your fuckin’ brains out…”, Ian suddenly interrupted their make-out session. Mickey frowned at him again. “What now?”, he asked irritated and so not in the mood to talk anymore. “Tomorrow I’m gonna take Ally home with me, no matter how much she cries.” Mickey sighed, staring at him. “We’ll see about that… Get the fuck on me already!”


	6. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anastasia pays a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear readers,
> 
> I apologize for the long long delay. I have been writing on my other fic Home is where the heart is, which is also part of this series and also I have been sick for quite some time. I hope I'll be able to update more regularly :)
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter! New one is already in the making!

Mickey knew something was wrong. In fact he had known for a while now. Before his sister had dropped off Alana at their place, the supposed panic attack and his mind drifting off all the time wasn’t something that had happened to him on a regular basis. Now almost every day was a new challenge of keeping it together. The last time he had felt that way had been back in Mexico. Although it had been a different struggle back then.

He looked around in the now empty office and could barely keep his tears from flowing. Ian had just taken Alana with him and he couldn’t help but feel like his heart had been ripped out when she had started crying. He knew it was for the best. He knew that Ian was right about that. Yet, it all felt so unfair. It wasn’t fair that Ally had to go through this. It wasn’t fair that she had to suffer like that and it wasn’t fair that they were forced to put her through it for her own good.

He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. He felt like such a pussy. Why the fuck would he cry over a little girl’s pain? Even if that girl was his niece. What the fuck was wrong with him?

He tried to focus on his breathing. The last thing he needed now was another panic attack when Tory could just jump through the door at any second. No, he didn’t need that kind of attention at the moment. He didn’t want people to worry about him. Not Ian. And certainly not Tory. He needed to keep his head up. He couldn’t afford to be weak right now. 

His phone chimed on the desk and pulled him from his thoughts.

[Ian] 2:24pm  
R u ok?

Mickey frowned. Even now the fucker was worried about him. He was about to reply when Ian sent another text.

[Ian] 2:25pm  
Ally calmed down quickly! We’re having ice-cream now

Mickey closed his eyes when he had read the last text. Ally was fine. She had calmed down. Why did he still not feel better? Why was this no assurance for him that everything was alright?

Because it wasn’t, the voice in his head reminded him. Mandy was still MIA. No one had seen her. No one knew where she was or why she had left in the first place. Alana didn’t know if her mother was still alive. If she ever came back. The police hadn’t found out shit because all clues had just been lose ends. 

Mickey’s phone chimed again and he quickly opened his eyes to read it.

[Ian] 2:29pm  
Pls tell me youre alright

Mickey sighed before he typed a reply.

[Mickey] 2:29pm  
fine. Take care of Ally

He scratched his forehead before he laid the phone back down. Ian simply knew him too well. The fucker knew when he was feeling off. And Ian analyzing him like that made him feel uncomfortable. 

Ian knew his own disease well. He knew the symptoms and over the years he had learned to deal with them. Even though the disease was still unpredictable sometimes he had learned to handle it. Both of them had. They knew what to do when something was off. It felt strange to Mickey that now he was the center of attention. Usually he was the one worrying about Ian but now their roles were reversed. He couldn’t help but feel that Ian had diagnosed him with something. That Ian somehow knew better than him what was up.

He sighed again and rubbed his eyes. He still had to do shit-tons of paper work. 

\- - - - - - 

When Ian pulled up in front of their apartment building he already saw someone very familiar waiting for him and Ally. Anastasia didn’t seem to age at all. Despite her being in her mid forties now she still looked young. Her hair was still dark and she barely had any wrinkles. The only trace of her age were her eyes. Ian had always been able to see the hardships she had to go through in them. The years of abuse, the years on the run and the years she had spent feeling guilty for leaving her kids behind and starting a new life. Right now her eyes were kind and a wide smile stretched across her face when she recognized them.

Ian got out of the car and gave her a tight hug. She held on to him for a moment and looked into his eyes. “How are you, Ian?”, Anastasia asked in her warm motherly voice. It reminded Ian once again that she was actually a very sweet person. God knows what a beautiful childhood Mickey and Mandy could have had if she had taken them with her and away from their monstrous father.

“I’m good… Uh… I’m ashamed to say that I forgot you would come today… it’s just all been upside down since…”, Ian turned around and looked at the sleeping girl in the backseat. She looked so much at peace when she slept. He hadn’t even noticed until now.

Anastasia smiled at him, although her face was full of worry. “I just thought you two might need some help and since Mickey didn’t respond to my texts I just drove up here… Did you hear anything from Mandy?” Ian shook his head. It worried him that Mickey hadn’t responded to his mother. He had been acting kind of weird lately when his mother was concerned. He just hoped that Mickey wouldn’t be pissed that she was here.

“No, no one knows where she is…”, Ian resumed and tried to open the car door as quietly as he could. He gingerly grabbed the sleeping toddler and balanced her on his hips before he closed the door again and locked his car. Alana didn’t even stir in his arms she just continued sleeping. When Ian turned around to Anastasia again he saw that her eyes had filled with tears. 

“I feel like this is all my fault!”, she sobbed quietly. Ian awkwardly stroke her arm. “It’s really not… It’s nobody’s fault! We don’t even know why she left!”, he tried to cheer her up but she just vehemently shook her head. “No… No. I made her look for an apartment. I thought she could take care of her daughter alone now. I pushed her to do this because I thought she was ready! But I was wrong… so wrong.” She buried her face in her hands and continued to sob. 

“Come on now…”, Ian continued to stroke her arm, “How about I’ll make us some coffee and we can talk, okay?” Anastasia nodded looking sadly at him with her piercing blue eyes.

 

A little while later they sat in the kitchen, each one cradling a coffee mug in their hands. Ian had put Alana down in their bedroom so she could continue to sleep. Anastasia had stopped crying, although she still looked quite unhappy. 

“I made her look for an apartment!”, Anastasia broke the silence, “I pushed her to look for an apartment and to find a job even though she told me how overwhelmed she was… I just didn’t take her seriously. I thought she was exaggerating. Never in a million years would I have thought that she’d leave her daughter behind…”

Ian sighed, staring down at his coffee. This was exhausting. He knew that Mickey would probably agree with his mother here. But Ian couldn’t. He just knew too well that everyone was responsible for their own actions. When he was younger he had constantly blamed his mother for his disease, even though it wasn’t her fault at all. It was nobody’s fault. So was this situation. If Mandy had left because she was overwhelmed than she did everything she could. She had made sure her daughter was safe and sound with people that loved her.

“I don’t think it’s your fault and I don’t think that Mandy was trying to mimic you with her actions…”, Ian finally said, “Maybe she got overwhelmed and left because of that but Alana is safe here! I’d rather have her here than her suffering under an overwhelmed mother!”

Anastasia nodded slowly. “That’s nice of you to say!”, she whispered and stared down at the hot black liquid in her mug, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make this about me! I just have these thoughts in my head since she left. My bad conscience is eating me up while all I want is to make it right!”

Ian smiled softly at her. “I get that!”, he replied sympathetically and patted her hand, “But the only thing you can do right now is be there for Ally! She knows you! She’ll be happy you’re here!” Anastasia nodded and returned Ian’s smile. “From what I’ve seen you’re really good with her!”, she remarked. Ian tilted his head to the side. “Having three younger siblings had to be good for something, you know?”, he chuckled and took a sip of his coffee.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking but do you want children?”, she asked all of a sudden and Ian immediately felt taken aback. What was it with everybody asking him this question now? He shrugged, trying to play it cool. “Ah… that’s not really just my decision to make.”, he simply stated and avoided her look. He knew it wasn’t really an answer to her question.

“Mickey doesn’t want kids?”, she asked, probably already knowing the answer. Ian tilted his head again. “Not really… thinks we’re not cut out to be parents. An Ex-con and a bipolar nutcase shouldn’t raise children.”, Ian chuckled bitterly. Part of him always knew that Mickey had a point but on the other hand he felt like he didn’t give them much credit.

“Well, for what it’s worth I think you two would make great parents!”, Anastasia emphasized and gave him a warm smile that made him feel like a little boy. He was about to downplay her praise when they heard the bedroom door open followed by a loud screech: “Babusia!” Ally ran happily towards her grandmother who opened her arms in a warm embrace. Ian had never heard Ally laugh so loudly and so full of joy as in this moment. “Kokhana!”, Anastasia said holding her granddaughter tightly to her chest.

Ian had heard Anastasia speak Ukrainian to her before but he hadn’t known that Alana could actually reply and understand her in said language. He watched the two exchange a few words and was suddenly aware that Alana hadn’t talked that much with them in the whole six days she was there.

Anastasia smiled happily at him, still hugging Ally who didn’t seem to want to let go either. In that moment Ian knew what they had to do. He knew he would have to talk to Mickey. Alana was better off with her grandmother than with them. He saw proof right in front of him. And maybe Mickey had been right all along that they shouldn’t be parents. Maybe they should just live on in their quiet little life together. 

He took a deep breath to calm himself from this revelation. He had just started to like the idea of raising Ally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Babusia = Grandma  
> Kokhana = Sweetheart
> 
> This is all google translate I hope I didn't make any major mistakes.


	7. Grown-up Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ian come to a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays!! Merry Christmas! Hope you're all having a blast, wherever you are or what you celebrate or not celebrate! Thank you so much for reading this and sticking by me! I appreciate all of you!
> 
> Lots of love <3

Ian waited anxiously in the living room for Mickey to come home. Anastasia had taken Alana to the park and Ian was happy about the few quiet minutes. He had told Anastasia that he had to study, that he was behind with their course book and that hadn’t even been a lie but it wasn’t the reason why he had wanted them out of the apartment. He wanted to talk to Mickey. Alone. Before Mickey even knew that his mother was here.

The more he thought about their whole situation, the more he was sure about his decision. Alana should be raised by her grandmother not by them. It was crazy to think that they could pull this kind of thing off. Raising a child? What had he even been thinking? He had said it to Mickey before: It was a huge responsibility. And he was sure neither of them could do it. Mickey didn’t have the patience and Ian… well, he couldn’t say for sure what kind of tricks his mind would play tomorrow.

On the other hand, he had never seen Mickey as careful and soft as with Alana. With Yevgeny maybe but he was a boy. He usually thought Mickey’s grumpiness or impatience was hilarious. Mickey treated Alana as this fragile, volatile little princess. It was as cute as it was worrying to Ian. 

His thoughts got interrupted by Mickey who had just entered the apartment. Mickey gazed around until his eyes fell on Ian. God, he looked exhausted. Ian surely didn’t want to fight right now. He just wanted to wrap him up in his arms and smother him with kisses until he looked less plagued. 

“Where’s Ally?”, Mickey asked worriedly. Ian quickly stood up and pulled Mickey into a hug. Reluctantly he let it happen and felt Mickey relax a little bit against his chest. “She’s at the park with her grandmother.”, Ian replied quietly. Mickey suddenly pulled away. “She’s here? Why’s she here?”, he asked irritated and took a step back from his husband. “She told you several times she would come on Friday. What do you think would happen if you ignored her?”, Ian shot back, trying to keep his voice low. He couldn’t stand a yelling contest right now.

Mickey looked frantically at the door. “We gotta get her! We gotta get her back!” Ian held on to his arm before he could make a move. “Alana is spending some time with her grandmother! They will be back for dinner later!”, Ian tried to soothe him. Mickey took a deep breath and turned back around to his husband. “They better be!”, he grumbled and rubbed his eyes. Ian knew this was going to be bad but they had to start talking. “You know I thought a lot about it all and…” Mickey looked anxiously at Ian, raising his eyebrows impatiently, “… I think Alana should live with your mother.”

The look of betrayal that flashed over Mickey’s face was painful. “Are you fuckin’…?”, he began but got cut off by his own frantic breathing. Ian had seen him like that before. Just a few days ago actually. He immediately grabbed Mickey by the shoulders and tried to keep him upright. “Mickey slow down! Come on!” Mickey tried to shake him off but was unsuccessful, Ian’s grip only tightened.

A moment later Mickey sank to his knees and leaned his head against Ian. He hadn’t blacked out yet but he wasn’t far from it. Ian tried to proceed as before by whispering into his ear in a desperate attempt to calm him down. 

It took Mickey a moment to gather his thoughts and to calm his nerves but eventually he sat back, staring tiredly at Ian. “Don’t even… ! Just spare me the fuckin’ speech, okay?”, he begged still out of breath. Ian held up his hands in surrender. “I fuckin’ know that Ally would be better off with my mom!”, Mickey continued to Ian’s surprise, “I know that! Doesn’t mean I like it!”

Ian reached for one of Mickey’s hands that frantically scratched his leg. “Why do you think your mother would be bad for her? I mean have you seen them together? Ally loves Ana and I’m sure Ana would be more than happy to have her around!” Mickey looked at him for a moment lost in thought. “I don’t know!”, he mumbled after a while, “I don’t know why… I just want her here! I want her to be safe!”

Ian sighed. “You said yourself we’re not cut out to be parents! I mean why would she be safer with us than with Ana?” Mickey shrugged pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Mick!”, Ian said gently, “This is not the right time for us to think about this. I’m in the middle of my paramedics training and you… you need to take care of yourself first!”

“Oh bullshit!”, Mickey suddenly burst out, “I‘m fuckin’ fine and we could handle it! Don’t make this about time or whatever bullshit point you were trying to make!” Ian kept silent and continued to look at him worriedly. “Fine fuckin’ spit it out! How do you think I should take care of myself?”, Mickey asked impatiently, “and please don’t tell me ‘I should talk to someone!’” Ian rolled his eyes. Sometimes he felt like talking to a brick wall. How could one be so stubborn? Luckily he had just the right tools to break the wall down. “I think what you might be experiencing is a form of PTSD. I read about it online and your symptoms together with your past fit.”

Mickey stared at him blankly. “PTS-what? You mean that shit that all the vets get when they come back from war? Are you kidding me?” Ian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Brick wall. “It’s called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and not only vets can get it! It can happen to anyone who has experienced trauma…”

“That’s a load of crap! You really think my bullshit childhood is comparable to some bullshit war traumas? That’s just ridiculous!” “It doesn't matter what kind of trauma, Mick… and it’s not predisposed to veterans! You have been through a lot of fuckin’ shit in your life and it’s only normal that you might not have been able to deal with it all. Especially when you didn’t have the fuckin’ maturity to deal with it!”

“Maturity my ass!”, Mickey grumbled and got to his feet again. Ian sighed and stood before him, giving him a look he knew Mickey hated. “Stop it! I’m not sick! I don’t have PTS-whatever! I’m fine!” Ian kept his stare on Mickey. “I’m fine!”, he repeated, less emphatically. Tears threatened to spill. “I’m fuckin’ fine!” Ian pulled him into a hug again and held him tight and Mickey didn’t resist at all. The brick wall had finally cracked.

“Look, I’m not gonna push you to see a fuckin’ shrink or whatever but at least be honest with me, okay?”, Ian whispered into Mickey’s ear and the latter nodded in his shoulder. “Why do you think your mom’s bad for Ally?” He felt Mickey sigh against his shoulder. “I don’t know…”, he answered barely audible. “Alright, let me rephrase that… How would you feel if she took her away from us?” Ian felt Mickey tense immediately in his arms. 

“Bad… ?”, Mickey asked more than he replied. “Bad, how?”, Ian kept pushing. “Like… Like the way I felt when you left.”, Mickey answered slowly. Ian nodded. “I’d feel like a failure.”, Mickey finally added and sighed in relief, “Like I fucked up again.” Ian was glad that they were still hugging, otherwise Mickey would have seen the frown on his face and he didn’t want him to think that his feelings were unreasonable.

“Mick, you’re not a failure!”, Ian tried to emphasize, “And you can’t fuck up here!” Mickey took a deep breath to protest but Ian cut him off. “Look, as far as I see it, we have two options here: One, we keep Ally here. One of us is gonna have to step down career wise because I simply can’t juggle it all. We’ll try our best to raise her, come what may. Even if I get cuckoo and you lose your shit. Or… or option no. two: We ask Ana to take care of her because we both know that she’s a great a mother and she’ll do a great job. Ally would be safe from all the crazy that’s goin’ on in our lives and grow up far away from South Side in a financially stable and loved environment.”

Both fell silent for a moment before they pulled apart and met each other’s eyes. Even though Ian could see that Mickey was visibly struggling he looked like he was more at peace than before. “Alright,”, Mickey began and nodded, “Let’s do that then.”

\- - - - - - 

Mickey’s heart was racing when his mother and his niece entered their apartment. He had to push down all his negative feelings and remind himself that their decision was for the greater good. For Alana. Because in the end that was all that mattered.

His mother smiled when she saw him and immediately pulled him into a tight hug. The warm embrace made him feel even shittier. “Miggie!”, Ally squeaked and he quickly picked her up. She placed her little hands on his cheeks and he had to smile. A little less then a week ago a gesture like that would have been unimaginable.

After that it all felt like a blur. Dinner, the casual and light conversations they were having, responding to questions how things were going, Alana’s occasional giggle until it was finally bedtime for the toddler and the grown-ups could talk grown-up talks. 

Mickey had kept silent most of the time. He had let Ian do the talking because he knew he wasn’t good at it. Not with sensitive topics like this. In the end, Ana had agreed with them. She had smiled and nodded even though Mickey could see the uncertainty in her eyes. She didn’t want to take the opportunity away from them. Having kids. Being parents.

He had never wanted that “opportunity” but now that it was taken away from him he couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to it than his simple desire for control or his fear of being alone. Ian had squeezed his hand when Ana had left the kitchen to talk to her husband on the phone. A reassuring gesture and Mickey had squeezed back before he had gone outside to have a smoke.

The nicotine had calmed his nerves a little as it always did and then the decision was made and set in stone. Alana would live with Anastasia and her family down in Carbondale. She would live a quiet lovely life, having two older siblings and loving parents in neat little suburbia. The realization had hit him hard and he had wanted nothing more but to cry but he had to keep his head up. After all it wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about him.

 

Morning came quicker than he had wanted. After breakfast they had gathered anything they had from Alana and soon they were ready to say their goodbyes. Ana gave both Mickey and Ian tight encouraging hugs, promising she would call as soon as they reached Carbondale. Ian crouched down to pick up Alana and hug her. He whispered something in her ear that Mickey couldn’t hear and she giggled.

When it was Mickey’s turn his heart felt like it weighed a million pounds. He took her from Ian and balanced her on his hip. “You’ll be good, little girl, okay?”, he told her and her bright blue eyes stared holes in his. He placed a soft kiss to her head and let her down on the ground again. 

Ana took her hand to lead her out of the apartment but Ally kept staring back at Mickey. Before anyone knew what was happening Alana began to cry. She pulled her hand back from her grandmother and ran back to Mickey, demanding to be picked up. Confused Mickey picked her back up, trying to soothe her. 

Anastasia came walking back to where they were standing and Mickey almost expected her to rip the little girl from his arms but all she did was lay a hand on her granddaughter’s back. Ally gripped Mickey’s neck tighter, making sure he couldn’t let go of her either. And for the love of god, he wouldn’t let go.

Mickey turned around to meet his husbands eyes who seemed just as confused but smiled nonetheless. “Looks like someone has decided for us.”, Anastasia chuckled and patted Ally’s back. “What do you mean? You gonna leave her here?”, Mickey asked baffled. Anastasia smiled warmly and laid a hand on his cheek. “It’s what you want, sweety, isn’t it? And it’s obviously what she wants, too!” Mickey didn’t answer but who was he kidding? He had wanted her to stay from the beginning. His mother gave him a knowing look. “Besides the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that I’m to old to raise another child!”, she winked at him.

Behind him he could hear Ian let out a breath he was holding. “Looks like we’re goin’ apartment hunting then.”, he said with something that sounded like relief in his voice. Mickey barely noticed what was happening. He laid his cheek on Alana’s head and made a promise to himself, to never let go of her again. Never again.


	8. Hesitance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey, Ian and Ally move into a bigger home. Mickey and Ian realize that being a team isn't always easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish all of you a happy, healthy and successful new year! Hope everyone is fine and doing well!
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter :)

3 weeks later

\- - - - - - 

“Fuck!”  
“You gotta be quiet! You’re gonna wake her up!”  
“Sh-… don’t fuckin’ stop, man!”  
“Then turn it the fuck down!”  
“Jesus, relax! You know she sleeps like the dead!”  
“Even the dead would be woken up by your moans!”  
“Take it as a compliment!”  
“Oh, shut up!”  
“Move for fuck’s sake!”  
“Mick, I swear to god!”  
“Come on, Gallagher we don’t have all d-… shit, right there!”  
“Next time, I’ll make you suck my dick! At least that way you’ll shut up!”  
“Fuck, yeah!”

When Mickey came he swore he saw stars. Panting, he opened his eyes just in time to witness Ian’s own orgasm before he collapsed on his chest. “Man, that was good!”, Ian said out of breath, “Why can’t we do this more often?” 

Mickey chuckled and ran a hand through the red hair of his lover. “Because there’s a little monster living with us now and we just can’t drop our pants whenever we feel like it!”, he explained, grinning wildly. “Right! Might be inappropriate!”, Ian agreed, slowly turning on his back. “You think?”, Mickey teased with no real malice. Ian laughed, slapping his husbands ass as he got up to take a shower. “Ouch- Motherfucker!”, Mickey whined and immediately jumped back on the bed for revenge.

They wrestled for a bit before Mickey gained the upper hand and pushed his husband back into the mattress, by sitting on his waist. “Alright, alright, I give up!”, Ian giggled but Mickey wouldn’t hear it. He held on to his wrists firmly above their heads. “Oh, Ian you’re too fuckin’ loud! You’re gonna wake her up!”, Mickey mocked his lover. “You’re an asshole!”, Ian replied still smiling, “Besides I wasn’t the one who groaned like a fuckin’ goat when I came!” “I did not… do that!”, Mickey insisted without loosening his grip. 

“When did you start to get so fuckin’ loud, though?”, Ian asked, trying to wriggle himself out of his husband’s hold but with no real luck, “You’ve never been that loud!” Mickey cracked a smile. “Well, might be the fact that we have lived alone for the past four years and we didn’t have to be quiet? Once you turn up the volume you can’t just turn it down, you know?” Ian had to laugh at that. “Yeah, right! You never made such noises before, though!”

“Must be the new bed then! Or the space of our new bedroom?”, Mickey chuckled, slowly lowering himself on Ian’s chest. “Sure!”, Ian agreed sarcastically before Mickey pressed their lips together. “Or you just wanna piss off the new neighbors?”, Ian suggested when Mickey pulled back. Mickey tilted his head as if he was thinking very hard. “Nah must be the bed! Besides Lorna and Steve wouldn’t know what good sex sounded like.” “I don’t think their names are Lorna and Steve…”, Ian replied, finally getting one of his hands free and flipping Mickey on his back. “I don’t care what their real names are in my head they’ll always be Lorna and Steve Assclown, queen and king of the fuckin’ snobs of South Side!”, Mickey scoffed.

“What did those two ever do to you?”, Ian asked, barely able to contain his laughter, while he pinned Mickey down. “Nothin’! It’s just the way they look at us. Like, two men shouldn’t be married and raise a child together. Like we’re an abomination that shouldn’t exist in their perfect creepy little world!”, Mickey answered snarky. “Really? You think they’re homophobes?”, Ian sneered, finding his husbands tirades hilarious. “I think? I fuckin’ know! I mean look at them! I bet Steve can’t even get it up for Lorna anymore that’s why he has to check your ass out all day!”

“Ah, that got you so riled up! You think Steve’s checking me out?”, Ian laughed. “Steve, and Lorna, too!”, Mickey resumed, “Man, they’re probably thinkin’ about you while they get it on!” “Okay, okay for one I don’t think you know what homophobes are and two, maybe you should take a picture of me naked and send it to them as a peace offering, instead of waking up the whole neighborhood with your lust cries.”, Ian mocked, tickling his husband’s sides. Mickey slapped his hands away. “Damn, you’d sacrifice yourself like that?”, Mickey chuckled, running his hands up Ian’s thighs. “What can I say? I’m a giver!”, Ian smirked cocky for which he got his ass slapped. “Revenge’s a bitch!”, Mickey exclaimed triumphantly, “Can’t say I blame ‘em, though!”

“Did I just get a compliment?”, Ian asked, rubbing his ass where Mickey had slapped him. “I’m complementing your ass all day! So stop whining, bitch, and get off me so I can finally take a fuckin’ shower!” Ian reluctantly sat back so Mickey could get up from underneath him and move to their bathroom. “You have a really nice ass, too!”, he yelled after him, which got him the bird right before Mickey disappeared from his sight.

It had been four days since they had moved into the little three bedroom house they would own in a couple of years. Although they still lived in the heart of South Side, it was a lot quieter and less criminal than in their youth. A lot of young families lived in their neighborhood and a couple of retirees like “Lorna and Steve”, their next door neighbors that hadn’t really introduced themselves, yet.

“We got everything for the visit next week?”, Mickey asked, when Ian entered the bathroom. “Yeah, I mean… the only thing the social worker ever criticized was our small shitty apartment and we took care of that!”, Ian replied thoughtfully. “Did you send them our new address?”, Mickey asked again, while scrubbing himself clean under the shower. “Yeah, this morning.”, Ian answered, slipping inside and under the water. 

“Think she’s got enough stuff in her room?”, Mickey asked insecurely. Ian shrugged, soaping his chest. “She’s got the essentials… I mean we don’t have to spoil her, right? Bet the social worker would criticize her having too much stuff.” Mickey nodded lost in thought. “Probably already has more shit then we both ever had.”, he mumbled.

“Hey, did you ever sign that form of the daycare I gave to you?”, Ian asked suddenly. Mickey swallowed. He had not signed the form because he didn’t really want her to go. He knew it would make things a lot easier for them but leaving Ally with strangers just didn’t seem right to him. Even though he didn’t have a panic attack since they had decided that Alana would stay with them, he could still feel the panic trickling under his skin. 

“Nah, it’s still on my desk.”, he responded shortly, grabbing for the soap so he didn’t have to look his husband in the eye.   
“Okay… then hurry the fuck up and sign it! We need to get her a spot like yesterday!”   
“Is it required or some shit?”   
“What do you mean required?”   
“I mean does she have to be in a daycare for us to pass as guardians?”  
“No… I guess not. But it would make things a lot easier! A lot, Mick!”  
“Yeah, yeah, I think about it.”  
“No don’t think about it! Just sign the damn form!”  
“Relax, would you? Besides it’s fuckin’ weird to leave her with strangers like that.”  
“Mickey, we’re not having this discussion again! You promised me we’d look for a daycare if I quit the paramedic’s class.”  
“You didn’t have to quit, you wanted to!”  
“Yeah, because how else would we handle a toddler and two full-time jobs?”  
“Jesus, yes I get it! You know I could have stepped down a little, too. You didn’t have to quit right away.”  
“Oh, yeah? How? You just took a loan from the bank to buy your share of the martial arts center and now you took another loan to buy this house. How could you step down? Tell me!”  
“We would’ve figured it out and it’s not like these are just my loans. You’re in this, too, husband!”  
“Oh, right! Because I make so goddamn much to pay this shit off alone! No, you’re right! You should be a stay-at-home dad and I earn the big bucks!”

Mickey rolled his eyes at the dramatics. “Is that it? You’re pissed because I make more money than you?”  
“No, I’m pissed that you haven’t signed the form, yet! I’m pissed that we agree on things and the next day you just decide for yourself again!”  
“That’s not even true I just need a little time to adjust, that’s all!”  
“Really? Two weeks weren’t enough to adjust?”

Mickey took a deep breath, gathering all his patience. He knew Ian was pissed because he had to quit his class and it wasn’t that Mickey took this sacrifice lightly. It meant a lot. However, Ian was nagging and bitching since they had moved. And not just about the daycare form. About everything. He didn’t know what to do anymore, so he just stepped out the shower. Fleeing the fight, as so often in the past days.

\- - - - - - 

“She’s so adorable! Like a little princess!”, Fiona smiled at Alana who sat on the floor, playing with her new doll. Ian still iced Mickey for the fight they were having earlier, even though it probably hadn’t occurred to any of their guests since he was as funny and nice as always around them. Asshole.

“I would have never imagined you guys to be that kind of gay couple!”, Cat scoffed from the couch, sitting next to her brother. “I never imagined either…”, Mickey replied handing the siblings a beer. “I gotta say I like your new place, though! Very family-ish! Neighbors any cool?”, Cat continued her teasing. Ian snickered at the question, without darting Mickey a glance. “Dunno… barely see them and if they show their face they shoot us dirty looks. Fuckin’ homophobic assholes!”, Mickey ranted, getting an evil look from Ian and Fiona for swearing.

“Well, we’re in the noble part of Chicago so you better get used to it!”, Cat chuckled, clinking her beer with Mickey’s. “Noble my ass! Still South Side.”, he grunted, taking a sip. “It’s much nicer now then when we were kids, though!”, John added, looking fondly at Fiona playing with her new niece, “I mean do you remember what this street looked like twenty years ago? You surely didn’t wanna live here!”

Mickey frowned, trying to remember if he had ever even been in that part of Chicago before or what it had looked like back then. He gazed at John who had a nostalgic smile on his face. “I remember hookers!”, he smiled proudly for remembering, the fucking dork. “Right! Hookers!”, Cat exclaimed enthusiastically, “I think some of the houses on this street are old brothels the city refurbished to make it look nicer! Hey, wait! Maybe this house was a brothel… or… or like a drug venue or something!”

Ian and Fiona laughed at the theatrics while Mickey scowled at her. “This house was built last year, how could it have been a brothel?” “You never know!”, Cat smirked and Mickey rolled his eyes in return. “Let me have a smoke before I deal with your bullshit!”, he grumbled, heading out on their generous porch. 

He had just lit himself a cigarette when he heard the door to the porch open. Fiona smiled shyly at him. “Can I have one?”, she asked, rubbing her hands over her upper arms to warm herself. “Thought you quit?!”, Mickey asked surprised, holding out his pack of cigarettes for her. “I could never really quit… dunno how the others do it!”, she explained, letting Mickey light it.

She inhaled deeply. “You ever thought about quitting? You smoke like chimney since you were a kid!”, she chuckled. Mickey shrugged. “Probably have to… at some point. I dunno doesn’t bother me right now.”

“Really? I thought you must be out of breath real quick with all the courses you do and the fitness coaching and so on.”  
“Yeah, lately I sit more at my desk than do courses…”  
“Sucks!”  
Mickey shrugged again. “Good money, though. I’m making double as much as last year, thus the house and all that fancy bullshit!”  
Fiona snickered. “Yeah I figured you earn a little more. Ian seems kinda pressured to do better himself.”  
“He told you that?”  
“Not literally. I guess he just doesn’t want to be the guy that doesn’t evolve or succeed. He has always been ambitious but you trumped him.”  
“That bad? I mean do I have to be a fuck up all my life so his ego doesn’t get hurt?”  
“No, that’s not what I meant! I just think it’s important for his self-worth that he keeps on pushing for better. Giving up the paramedics class was a big thing for him.”  
“Yeah, I know!”

“Is everything alright between you two, though?”  
“Sure…”  
“So you’re not fighting about the daycare form again?”  
“How do yo-”  
“Please, my brother has been icing you since we arrived. He’s pissed about something and I bet it’s because you still haven’t signed the damn form!”

“Not you, too…”, Mickey groaned throwing his cigarette bud away.  
“Yeah, me too! Daycare is good for children! I don’t get why you don’t want her to go!”  
“Because it’s fuckin’ strangers watching my kid! God knows what they are doin’ or where they come from!”  
“It’s their job to look after someone else’s kids and who the fuck cares where they come from? I bet the people who watched you or me as a kid were less capable and less qualified and we still made it!”

Mickey sighed. She had a valid point there. “Look it’s not like I’m never gonna sign… I just need some time to wrap my head around it and maybe to get to know these people that will look after Ally while I’m at work.”

“Well, don’t take too much time… the one suffering under your hesitance right now is not Ally. It’s Ian.”, Fiona said, throwing her cigarette away in the same fashion as Mickey and went back inside.

Mickey suddenly felt like shit. He had been so caught up in his own fears, in his own bullshit, that he hadn’t realized what a big step this had been for Ian. Fiona was right. It wasn’t about him or Alana. It was about Ian. He needed to make sure that his husband was good with the situation they were having now. A daycare would give them both more time to adjust their schedules and their lives for a toddler to fit in. 

This was important and he needed to make this stupid nagging voice inside his head shut up that told him that Alana could still be taken away from them. No daycare could pose such a threat. Plus, they were in this together. If he didn’t have Ian, he couldn’t do it. They were a team. Now more than ever. All he had to do was sign a stupid form. 

\- - - - - - 

Later that night when Ian went to bed, he found a signed daycare form on his pillow. Relieved and smiling he lay next to his husband as suddenly a warm arm reached around his middle. “Thank you!”, Mickey mumbled sleepily in his neck. “For what?”, Ian asked confused. “For putting up with me.”, Mickey replied quietly. Ian chuckled and snuggled closer. “Anytime!”


	9. Verdict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 months later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

Mickey breathed in the salty breeze lingering in the air as he walked along the snow-white beach of Mexico. His arms were heavy caused by a half-full bottle of Tequila in one hand and a backpack full of his stuff in the other. His shoes were full of sand by now and the thought of just jumping into the water became more and more appealing. 

He stared out into the endless ocean and wiped a tear away with the back of his hand. If only he wasn’t so alone he could actually enjoy the sunset for once.

“Mick! Hold up!”, a familiar female voice sounded from far behind him. He turned around and saw his sister running towards him, her black hair floating in the wind. She wore the same clothes he had last seen her in but she looked a lot better. Happier, healthier and more careless than he ever remembered. 

He dropped his stuff in the sand to open his arms for a hug but the hug never came. Instead Mandy just stood before him. “You can’t take her away from me, Mickey!”, she said reproachfully. He frowned, not knowing what she meant. “I swear to god, if you do this…”, she continued but her words got cut off by a sudden pain in his side. He looked down but saw nothing.

“What..? What the fuck?”, he asked confused but she just shook her head. “If you erase me as her mother…” Again the pain in his side. “Cut the crap, Mandy! What the fuck is-” 

“Miggy! Wake up!”

Mickey opened his eyes and was immediately blinded by the bright sunlight flooding through their bedroom window. He felt the pain again in his side and quickly identified it as Alana’s little finger, forcefully poking his side.

“Miggy, wake up!”, Alana said again and laughed. Mickey squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before he slowly opened them again, adjusting to the bright sunlight. Had he overslept? What day was it anyway? Did they have something to do today? He looked at the little girl in front of him and immediately had to smile. No one, not even Ian could make him smile like that, this early after waking up. 

“Did Ian tell you to wake me up?”, he asked, pulling her on the bed and tickling her sides. She laughed again and nodded. “Een making breakfast!”, she chuckled. Mickey smiled again at the pronunciation of his husbands name. “Can you say Eee-an?”, he asked gently to which she nodded enthusiastically. “Eeen!” 

He sighed, looking her over. Ian must’ve been up a while since Alana was already fully dressed. “Alright, so what’s for breakfast?”, he asked, tickling her sides again. “Fench toast!”, she chuckled and reached out her little arms to hug him. He embraced her hug, suddenly remembering the disturbing dream he had had.

He had dreamed of his time in Mexico many times. Walking alone on the beach, watching the sunset, drowning his sorrows in Tequila. Never before, though, had Mandy appeared in those dreams. “If you erase me as her mother…” He frowned, thinking of the meaning behind this cryptic message.

“Ally! Mickey! Breakfast!”, Ian yelled from downstairs and pulled Mickey out of his thoughts. He could think about his dream later. He had stuff to do today. Important stuff! He set Alana down on the floor and she quickly ran to the door to get downstairs. He rubbed his eyes thoughtfully. The hearing! The child guardianship hearing was today!

The hearing they had fought for for the past six months. Even though their lawyer had told them that they probably couldn’t adopt Alana just yet, but it was a first step on the way to adoption. They had done everything the DCFS wanted from them. They had gotten a bigger home. Alana had her own room. She even went to daycare regularly. The DCFS had never complained about them and even their surprise visits had gone great. So there was no need to be worried. Was there?

Mickey felt weird about going to the courthouse. Probably because the last time he had stood before a judge he had been sentenced to 15 years in prison. But also because he was afraid that there could still be something that would not allow them to become legal guardians of Alana.

Their lawyer was more optimistic. Her name was Sephora Turner and she was a young woman specializing in domestic relations law. She had advised them from early on and had encouraged them in taking the step.

“Best case scenario: You get legal guardianship! Worst case, based on how well everything went with the DCFS: Nothing happens! It’s worth a shot!”, she had said a couple of weeks ago. Mickey couldn’t quite believe that the worst case scenario was that nothing would change but they just had to trust her. They would have to take the step eventually, why not now?

After all, they already acted like a little family. Alana had adapted to them pretty quickly and after they had all found their routine everything went smoothly. Of course dealing with a toddler could be tough sometimes but not once Mickey had regretted the decision of taking her in. Not when she woke them up every night because there were monsters in her closet, not when she took a billion years to put on her shoes and jacket, not when she didn’t like what was on her plate and refused to eat and especially not when she ever so gently poked him awake.

Alana was his niece. And he would take care of her as long as he had to, that much was clear. But even though by blood she was only his niece, he began to feel more and more like a father than an uncle. 

“Mickey! Come on!”

He quickly got dressed and headed downstairs. Better start the day right.

\- - - - - - 

They sat at a table with their lawyer in the courtroom, waiting for the proceedings to begin. The social workers of the DCFS sat next to them at another table, quietly whispering to each other. Besides that the courtroom was empty since child guardianship hearings weren’t open to the public and Mickey and Ian had not wanted anyone else there. It was stressful enough as it was without the Gallagher or Carlton Clan watching everything.

A door opened and when the judge entered the courtroom Mickey held his breath. He knew the guy. He had seen him before somewhere and that couldn’t mean anything good. 

Ian squeezed Mickey’s hand under the table when they were allowed to be seated again, giving him an encouraging smile. Mickey inhaled deeply. There was nothing he could do about it now anyway. 

The proceedings began with the social worker that had been assigned to their case. The judge asked her a few questions and she gave her report on them which was quite positive. Sephora who was seated next to him and Ian winked at them with a friendly smile on her lips. It was her way of saying that everything went great so far.

Then it was Ian’s turn to be questioned. Sephora had said in advance that it would not be an easy process for him but it wasn’t impossible either. Ian’s major flaw was his medical history. Of course they had gotten a testimony of his doctor concerning his mental health otherwise they probably would have been declined from the very beginning. Luckily, Ian had been fairly stable for the better part of three years which was a plus on their side. On the other hand being bipolar could be unpredictable at times and it was for the judge to decide if Ian was up for the challenge.

“Mr. Gallagher, how are you today?”, the judge began. Ian shifted nervously on his chair but managed to keep his hands folded still on the table. “I’m fine, Sir, thanks.”, he replied with a firm voice. 

“Why do you wanna be Alana Milkovich’s legal guardian?”, the judge asked, curiously folding his hands.

“I’ve always wanted to be a father and when Mandy… Alana’s mother left it was a no-brainer that we take care of her.”, Ian replied confidently. The judge nodded pleased and pulled out a sheet of paper from on of his files that were scattered in front of him. 

“I’ve read Dr. Meyer’s report on your mental health and I have a few questions.”, the judge continued. Ian nodded, seemingly trying to remain calm.

“You have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 17 following an incident that involved stealing your partner’s son and driving with him across the country. Can you, please, take a stand on that and tell me how your life has changed since then.”

Ian took a deep breath. They had practiced these kind of questions before. Mickey didn’t doubt that Ian could convince the judge that he was not the same person now, he had been back then. He knew his husband well, and his husband was a charmer in every way. However, he didn’t know how well he could handle the situation at hand. It was a lot of pressure and they both had to sort through their past to get to the future they wanted.

“Back then, I didn’t believe to be sick. I refused to see a doctor, let alone a therapist. It took me some time to accept the fact that I’m bipolar and that I need help. Luckily, I always had the strong support of my family and my husband and I have been fairly stable for the past couple of years.”

Mickey ran a hand over his mouth, hoping the judge would be convinced but he didn’t give any indication that this was the case.

“Dr. Meyer stated that you’re on medication and that this treatment plan works well for you so far. However, raising a child can be stressful and no matter how good the medication works it is no guarantee for you to remain stable.”, the judge pointed out. Ian nodded before he continued.

“I’m aware of that. There is never a guarantee for me. However, I have a solid support system. My family as well as my husband have gone above and beyond to help in the past and their willing to do so for Alana as well. This gives me the confidence to become a legal guardian for her and to be a parent.”

The judge nodded thoughtfully and noted some things down. “Thank you Mr. Gallagher.”, he said and Ian immediately relaxed. Sephora nodded encouragingly and squeezed Ian’s shoulder. “Mr. Milkovich”, the judge addressed Mickey who startled at the utterance of his last name, “It’s been a while.”

Mickey swallowed. He had been sure he had seen the judge before but he didn’t remember if it was in court or somewhere else.

“You have quite a file, let me tell you!”, the judge continued and Mickey flinched. Of course he had read his file.

“Alana is your niece by blood and as far as DCFS told me you have been very insistent to keep her. I can see from your file that you’ve been to foster care yourself many times in your youth. You’ve also spent some time at juvenile detention for theft and violation of your parole. You were twenty when you got wrongfully convicted for attempted murder and escaped prison a year later, even though you turned yourself in after two years on the run…”, the judge seemed to trail off a bit and Mickey could only wait in anticipation. This all didn’t sound as if he was fit to be a legal guardian.

“You got out on parole, which was terminated three years ago. Early termination… Uh yeah I talked to your former parole officer. He seemed to be quite happy with you. No incidents. No further altercations or charges.” 

Mickey nodded still waiting for the question, when the judge looked up from his file and gazed at him thoughtfully. 

“Your father has been no stranger to this court, as you may know. I must say that I have been quite surprised when I read you name in the context of a child guardianship proposal.”

Mickey swallowed again. The guy knew his father. Probably knew his past. There was no way he would let the son of Terry Milkovich become a legal guardian.

“My father’s actions have nothing to do with me.”, Mickey said quickly, rubbing his sweaty hands nervously on his pants. 

The judge nodded, smirking slightly.

“I remember you well, Mr. Milkovich, and I see the progress that you’ve made. Do you still keep in touch with your father?”

Mickey shook his head. “No, Sir, he passed a few years ago.”

The judge took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. “Any other relatives that will be part of Alana’s life? One of your brothers maybe?”

“None, except for my mother and her family.”, Mickey replied shortly, feeling Ian squeeze his thigh again.

The judge nodded slowly, turning another page in Mickey’s file and looked at it thoroughly. The silence in the courtroom was deafening. Mickey kept his gaze on the judge, trying to focus on steady breathing to not freak while Ian and Sephora exchanged a look. None of them had expected Terry Milkovich being part of the questions.

“It says here that you have been married before to Svetlana Milkovich and that you have a son who is now 11… no, 12! How is your relationship to your son, Mr. Milkovich?”

Mickey nodded absentmindedly. Finally a question they had rehearsed before. “It’s good… I see him almost every week and we have a great relationship.”

“But your former wife has sole custody, how so? Why didn’t you push for shared custody?”

Mickey took a deep breath. He had never even asked himself the question. He gave up his parental rights back in prison, when Yevgeny was only a year old. He hadn’t thought much about it back then. 

“I was in prison when I gave up my parental rights and… I didn’t think it through at the time… I just wanted my son to have a better life and I hoped his mother would have it easier if I wasn’t officially his father.” Mickey sighed. Speaking it out loud was harder then he had anticipated.

The judge nodded again, looking back at his file. “You escaped prison and fled the country. Did you ever think about how your actions might affect your son’s life?”

“I did… a lot. I never wanted my son to have the same life as me and I hoped that his mother would not tell him too much about me or where he came from. Back then I didn’t think I could be a good father and I honestly never wanted to be one either.”

The judge raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Then please tell me what changed your mind?”

Mickey took another deep breath before he continued. “At some point I realized that I wanted this. To be a dad and to do all the things with my son that I never got to do as a kid.” He paused, reaching for Ian’s hand that still rested on his leg.

“I realized that by getting to know my son and by giving him the chance to get to know me, I could be a good father to him. I wanted to do right by him.”

The judge noted a few things down again, then focused his gaze back on Mickey. “And why do you wanna be a legal guardian to Alana, now? Your mother could very well take care of her, too. Why were you so insistent to keep her?”

Mickey felt Ian’s hand squeeze his again before he opened his mouth to speak. “Alana is my sister’s daughter. During our childhood I constantly had to protect my sister. I feel the same way about Alana. I will protect her with my life if I have to and I want to give her the life she deserves.”

The judge nodded, still keeping his gaze on Mickey. “So, you think your mother is a threat to Alana?”

Mickey frowned at the question. “No, that’s not what I said… I just… I want to keep her close.”

“So, you feel Alana would not be safe with your mother?”, the judge concluded. Mickey became irritated by these questions. Why did the judge assume those things? Why did he want Alana to stay so badly? What part played his mother here? He knew the longer he hesitated with his answer to worse he or his mother looked in front of the judge.

“Alana decided she wanted to live with Mr. Milkovich and Mr. Gallagher, your honor.”, Sephora suddenly interrupted. “It is not a matter of safety for my client, but a matter of the child’s well being. Mrs. Carlton is not, nor will she ever be, a threat to her granddaughter. In fact Alana lived with her for three years before she and her mother moved back to Chicago. They have a great relationship and as far as I can tell Alana loves her grandmother very much. However, when it came to where she should stay and who should raise her, the child in question clearly chose my clients.”

The judge sighed looking from Sephora back to Mickey. “Thank you, Mrs. Turner. Thank you, Mr. Milkovich.” He nodded and folded his hands again. “I think I’ve heard enough. I will now retreat to my chamber to reach my final decision.” And with that the judge got up and left the courtroom, leaving Mickey and Ian puzzled and insecure behind.

\- - - - - -

“That was some bullshit! How could he ask this shit? What the fuck does Terry have to do with Alana?”, Mickey blurted out, nervously pulling on his cigarette. The stood in the courtroom’s parking lot, waiting for the judge’s final decision. “Relax, Mickey, I don’t think this went as bad as you think! Positive thinking!”, Sephora replied with an encouraging smile on her face, lighting a cigarette for herself.

Ian scratched his forehead thoughtfully. “You think, he’ll give us guardianship?”, he asked, leaning on the wall, trying to relax his tensed shoulders. Sephora shrugged. “If he doesn’t we can still file for another hearing! He clearly seemed to know Mickey’s family. We could argue that his judgment was clouded or something.”

Mickey pinched the bridge of his nose. “I should have just taken your name when we had gotten married!”, he snorted, “Then we wouldn’t have this curse swinging above our fuckin’ heads.” 

“You do know that the judge has your file and he would have seen your name one way or another, do you?”, Ian scoffed, trying to lighten the mood a bit. “Fuck this shit!”, Mickey sighed, throwing his cigarette butt away, “Judge can kiss my ass!”

“Just out of curiosity, how does the judge know you and your family? Did he convict your father?”, Sephora asked, watching Mickey lean against the wall. “Not sure… I know I’ve seen him before somewhere, too, but I don’t remember where or when.”, he replied, thinking about the many times he and his siblings had sat before a judge while their father had gotten convicted. He shuddered at the memory. 

Sephora was about to reply something when suddenly a court official approached them, telling them that the judge would be ready to give his verdict in ten minutes. Their lawyer nodded and threw away her cigarette, giving the couple a sign to follow her back inside.

 

The judge re-entered the courtroom a little while later. Mickey held Ian’s hand tightly, trying to feel grounded and calm with him by his side. Maybe Sephora had been right. Maybe the hearing hadn’t gone so bad. Then again, he had never had much luck with judges, why should it be different this time?

“You may be seated!”, the judge told them and they all sat down again, anxiously watching the man with the black robe in front of them. The judge cleared his throat before he raised his gaze and looked calmly at the people in front of him.

“Mr. Gallagher, Mr. Milkovich, I did not reach this verdict lightly.”, he sighed and Mickey’s heart sank into his knees. So much for positive thinking.

“Mr. Milkovich, I’m not sure if you remember this since you must’ve been barely eight years old but I once reached a verdict considering your father Terry Milkovich.”

Mickey held his breath. So he had seen him in court before.

“Back then, the DCFS tried to place you and your siblings in foster care since your father wasn’t seen fit as a parent and your mother was nowhere to be found.”

Something sparked in Mickey’s brain and he suddenly remembered the day. His father had been furious about it. He had taken a lawyer himself and fought for his kids in front of the court. Mickey had been too young to remember why in the end he had kept guardianship but it had to be that way. They had never been in foster care for longer than a couple of weeks, the longest maybe a few months. They had always ended up with their dad again. And even though living with their father hadn’t been pleasant, it had been better than foster care.

“Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do, except let Terry Milkovich keep custody of his children.”

Mickey swallowed. What in the fuck was he driving at?

“I took pity on you and your siblings since you all would have been separated, placed in different foster homes. I’d like to think that by letting you stay together, I made a difference for you, for the better and I hope it somehow did. Your case has proven to me that sometimes a family has to stay together. Who knows what would have happened to you if I had reached a different verdict back then?”

Mickey held his breath and from the corner of his eye he could see Ian do the same. 

“Now, I didn’t reach this verdict today lightly since the both of you have a very… let’s say colorful past.”

Ian’s thumb ran anxiously over the back of Mickey’s hand, their sweaty palms still connected under the table.

“However, what’s past is past and what counts is that Alana Milkovich has people in her live that take care of her and from what I’ve heard today, both of you are very determined to do that.”

Tension filled the room as the judge put on a generous smile.

“Mr. Ian Clayton Gallagher and Mr. Mikahilo Alexandr Milkovich I hereby grant you legal guardianship over Alana Milkovich until the day she comes of age.”

Mickey felt Ian and Sephora cheer next to him while he still tried to make sense of what the judge had just said to them. They had made it. They were guardians. Despite every bullshit that had happened to them in the past. Despite Terry Milkovich. Despite bipolar disorder. Despite conviction and juvenile detention. They made it. 

“If you erase me as her mother…”, a voice sounded in the back of his head.


	10. A mother's love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with what happened before Anastasia left her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my friends :)
> 
> So sorry for the long wait but my new job is kicking my ass everyday. In addition I'll be moving soon and I caught the flu. Perfect timing, you see.   
> I hope you are all well and healthy and enjoy this new chapter! I finally got around to give a little insight on what caused Anastasia to leave her family and why Mickey doesn't swim (anymore). I just thought it's important to understand what kind of demons Mickey is facing in these chapters since there will be a little bit more of that in the process of this story before the adoption of Alana is finalized. 
> 
> Now enjoy!  
> Much love :-*

“My sweet little boy!”, Mickey heard his mother say in Ukrainian and immediately opened his eyes. His room was still dark. Barely lighted by the small lamp on his bedside table. “It’s time for school, baby.”, his mother continued and stood up to leave the room and prepare breakfast for him and his siblings.

The mood was good at their house these days. Probably because his dad wasn’t here. Prison again. This time he was in for at least a year for minor drug charges. Mickey didn’t care. He was happy that his mother was happy. Even his siblings seemed to do better. It was like the dark clouds had moved and only sunshine remained. He had even started swimming class again.

Mickey loved to be in the water. It made him feel free and light. And he was talented, too. His mom had signed him up back when his dad went away. Even though they usually were short of money, she had paid the fees for his swimming class, knowing how much he enjoyed it.

Mickey quickly got up and grabbed his school bag. He couldn’t wait for school to be over to get in the water.

\- - - - - -

Anastasia had always been a good mum. She cared deeply for her children and tried to give them a better life, even under these circumstances. As she stood in the kitchen, cutting sandwiches in half for her kid’s school lunch, she thought about how much better their life was when Terry wasn’t around.

Especially for their children. Mickey had just started third grade and Mandy wasn’t far behind, yet of all of Terry’s children those two were his favorite. Unfortunately. Mandy because she was the only girl and Mickey probably because he was the youngest boy. And because he was smart. It made Anastasia very proud knowing just how smart her son was. He did all his homework with ease and even though he was a little headstrong and rough sometimes, he did pretty good at school so far. And he loved to learn. He always found new things to do and got interested in different topics pretty quickly.

That was also the reason why Terry loved to pick on him most of the time he was around. It was a thorn in his eye that his youngest son was more interested in science and sports than in his father’s drug and gun sale. All of his other brothers were already neck deep in becoming their dad’s next employees. The oldest two had even sold drugs at their school a few times, before they got caught and Anastasia had to go talk to the principal so they wouldn’t get expelled. Terry had been furious. Not because his sons had gotten caught but because Anastasia had so vehemently fought for her step sons to stay in school.

Education was important. That much she knew. Even though she herself had never gotten a higher education she was determined for her children to do better. It didn’t matter that four of the six kids she cared for weren’t her own. That had always been part of the deal when she had married Terry Milkovich.

Marriage. Sometimes she deeply regretted getting married that young. Then again what other option had been there? Her parents would have disowned her if she hadn’t agreed to marry the man she had barely known. Neither caring for a child alone nor living in sin would have been a good fit for her. She knew back then that she had to do it. There had been no other way.

Nowadays, she was playing more and more with the thought of leaving Terry. Realizing how much more peaceful her life and that of her family was when he wasn’t around made her feel sick. Of course she could never voice that thought. Leaving Terry was impossible. He would never let her leave. Not with six kids. Not with two. Not even alone.

And where would she be without him? Drugs and guns might not be a legitimate source of income. But it was an income. And it was much better than what she made at her part time job at the hotel. Leaving Terry would mean she would have to move out. Find a big enough apartment and pay rent. At the Milkovich house they only paid expenses but no rent. Terry owned that house. And that saved their asses from starvation month for month.

She hated to admit it but she had no choice but to stay. Maybe when the kids were older she could think about leaving again. But not now. Now she had to provide a safe space for her children. Horrible person or not, Terry brought home good money and that was worth more than her peace at the moment.

\- - - - - -

Mickey walked home from his swimming class. His hair was still wet and waving in the cold spring air. His mom would probably be worried that he caught a cold but he didn’t care at the moment. He just enjoyed the soft breeze on his skin and the refreshed feeling he always had when he had just come out of the water. 

He walked around the corner and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his home. Something was wrong. At first he couldn’t point his finger on it but then he noticed the rusty car that was parked out front. His uncle Ronny’s car. Uncle Ronny usually didn’t care to check in on his brother’s family. The only times he came to their house was for business or to bring his brother home from prison. Him being here could only mean one thing: Terry was back.

Mickey felt a lump in his throat and he didn’t even really know why. The closer he got to the Milkovich house, the more he felt like he should turn around and head in the other direction. Far away from that place. But there was still his mother and his little sister. He couldn’t just leave them behind. 

He bit his bottom lip, insecure of what would happen if he came home with wet hair. He knew his dad hated it when he went swimming. He would probably yell at him. Maybe Mickey was lucky and his dad was already drunk and he wouldn’t notice? He took a deep breath and went up the stairs to open the door. 

\- - - - - -

Anastasia startled when she heard the front door open that early in the afternoon. She had just begun to do the laundry when her husband came rumbling through the door with his younger brother in tow. Her heart sank into her knees. Disappointed that their careless times were over already. She took a deep breath and pulled herself together, trying not to let it show how much she disliked his early release.

“Terry, you’re home so soon?”, she said, putting on a fake smile while walking towards him. He already reeked of the cheap vodka, he loved so much and she immediately felt sick. Nevertheless, she forced herself to hug her husband. Keeping her façade alive, hoping he would buy it. 

“Where’re the kids?”, he grunted, barely paying attention to her. “They are at school. They should be home soon.”, she answered insecurely. He nodded, walking over to the couch, followed by Ronny. “Go make us something to eat!”, he demanded and turned on the TV.

Anastasia breathed in slowly before she turned around to the kitchen to comply her husband’s wishes. The air in their small house had just become immeasurably thicker. She knew that Terry was a ticking time bomb when he had one of his moods. The slightest thing could set him off. It was best she didn’t talk much and just did what she was told.

The first to come home were Iggy and Mandy. One of her older brothers usually picked Mandy up from school, so she didn’t have to walk home alone in that neighborhood. Mandy greeted her father happily, while the latter picked her up and sat her in his lap. Iggy stood uncomfortably by the door before he sat down at kitchen table as well.

Anastasia quickly put a bowl of pasta in front of him, knowing he must be hungry coming home from school. “Did you sell anything today?”, Terry asked his son, barely paying any attention to him. “Uh… no we ran out of stuff…”, Iggy replied insecurely. Terry slammed his fist on the table. “What the fuck did I tell you idiots when you run out of stuff? Huh?”, he yelled at his son. Iggy seemed to shrink in his chair. “C-… Call the supplier?”, he answered feebly. “That’s fuckin’ right! And why the fuck didn’t you?”, Terry rumbled on.

Anastasia could barely believe what she heard. Iggy was the youngest of her stepsons, barely fourteen years old. She knew that Terry had already dragged in his oldest two sons but Iggy? How could she have overseen this?

“I… we had school and… and we got scared of th-“, Iggy began but got interrupted again. “Do you know what happens if we don’t sell enough at our corner? You stupid little shit? You know?” Iggy shook his head weakly. Tears were filling his eyes and he began to sniffle a little. “The fuckin’ niggers and wetbacks take over! They’re gonna push us out! And your cozy little ass will land out on the street. All because you didn’t do what I told you!”

Iggy began to cry quietly and stared down at his feet. It broke Anastasia’s heart to see him like that. Her son or not, no child deserved to be treated like that. “I told him he should focus on school!”, she told her husband, “If he graduates and gets a good job he doesn’t need no corner to sell drugs!” Terry looked as if someone had just slapped him in the face. “You did what?”, he yelled and stood up. Mandy fell to the floor and quickly hid behind the couch. “You stupid bitch!”

Anastasia knew what was coming, yet, she was surprised how much it hurt every time. It happened quick: Terry raised his arm and slapped her hard with the back of his hand. She fell to the ground, her cheek throbbed in pain and she began to sob. 

It had become terribly quiet in the house, when suddenly the front door opened and Mickey came in. Hair still wet and a towel visibly cramped into his backpack. Insecurely, he looked at the scene displayed in front of him. His mom on the ground, holding her cheek. Mandy hiding behind the couch. His brother sitting at the kitchen table, crying. His uncle, sitting at the kitchen table, almost bored and at last his father, hovering over his mother, looking outrageously angry. 

Mickey held his breath, when he realized that his father came walking towards him. “Where the fuck were you, shithead?”, he asked irritated and grabbed his son’s arm as he suddenly realized Mickey’s wet hair. “Where the fuck were you?”, he growled and Mickey winced from the strong hold. He noticed his mum standing up and walking slowly towards them. “I sent him to swimming class… he enjoyed it so much… I paid it from my own money!”, Anastasia stammered and laid a hand on her husband’s arm in a desperate attempt to calm him down. 

Terry’s face turned into an angry grimace, when he slapped his wife’s hand away and seized Mickey at his collar. “You like swimming so much, you little faggot, then let’s take a dive!” He pulled Mickey outside, while Anastasia followed them, begging and pleading her husband to let go of their son but Terry wouldn’t hear it. He pulled Mickey on the lawn, next to a rusty old tab that was filled with melted snow.

“You’ve ruined my kids for the last time, you stupid bitch!”, Terry growled before he threw his youngest son in the rusty tub, keeping him under water with a firm hand. Mickey hadn’t even had the time to take a breath when the icy water hit his face. Panic rose in his body and he tried scream, get out of his father’s hold. But it was pointless. Slowly his consciousness faded and the world around him turned black.

In front of the rusty tub, Anastasia was on her knees, begging her husband to let go. “You see what happens with your stupid shit? You will never ever be in charge of my kids again! You hear me? Never!”, Terry yelled at her, while still trying to drown his youngest son. “Please, Terry, please! He’s just a little boy!”, Anastasia cried vehemently.

Terry’s gaze was cold when he looked down at his pleading wife. “I want you out of my fuckin’ house! You will never see them again! You’ve spoiled them the last time, you stupid whore!”, he grunted and pulled Mickey out of the water.

The young boy gasped for air and coughed up water in the process but he was alive. Anastasia immediately reached for him. “I want you gone by tomorrow night and if I ever see you or you come close to my kids again, I won’t just fuckin’ kill you, I’ll kill them, too! You hear me?” Anastasia nodded weakly, cradling her son in her lap, while tears streamed down her face. 

As Mickey regained consciousness he felt his mother’s warm tears on his face…


	11. Worthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey has a disturbing dream and finds out more about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I began writing a HIWTHI chapter but then this one wanted out first so here you go! Hope you like it :)

Mickey woke up in a sweat. Had that been a dream? Or a memory? It had felt real. Too real. He was still breathing too fast as if he had been under water. 

‘I almost drowned…’

The thought crossed his mind and he couldn’t make sense of it. Was it true? Had his father really tried to drown him as a child? He didn’t know for sure. Even though he still felt his mother’s tears on his head. She had cried so much. Had she though? Had she?

His mind was racing and he couldn’t make it stop. “Stop… Stop!”, he whispered to himself, clinging to his knees as he felt his own tears, escaping his eyes. “That can’t be true…”, he sobbed quietly. Had he been the reason, his mother had to leave? She had to leave. She didn’t have a choice. He would’ve killed them all if she had stayed, he knew that now. Did he? Was it all his fault? Because of what? Because he liked to swim? Because his mom wanted to make him happy?

He gasped for air, while he dug his nails in his calves. What the fuck had happened?

He suddenly felt Ian stirring next to him. “Mick?”, he heard his husbands sleepy voice, “Everything alright?” But Mickey couldn’t answer. He couldn’t stop thinking about his dream. Or memory? He barely made sense of Ian’s words. “Mick?” A hand on his arm. “Mickey?” Suddenly he felt his body move. Ian pulled him close and he couldn’t even resist. He didn’t want to resist either. He needed some kind of closeness after this and it felt good. It felt good to be wrapped up in Ian’s arms. The only place in the world he felt truly safe. 

Ian gently stroke his back to calm him down. “It’s over!”, Ian whispered. But was it? He desperately wanted to believe Ian’s words but how could he? The minute he felt some kind of security, some kind of closure, something awful happened. “It was just a dream!” And that wasn’t true either. Was it? Was it, damn it?

“I’m going crazy, Ian!”, Mickey sobbed. He couldn’t calm down. Not now. Not after this revelation. “I dunno what’s real anymore…” Ian leaned back a little to look at his husband’s face. “Why?”, he simply asked, “What happened?”

Mickey sighed heavily, while Ian’s hand caressed his face. “Did you have a nightmare?”, Ian asked again. Mickey leaned his head back. He wasn’t sure. He hated this. This whole situation. Remembering. If it was really a memory. The remorse he had suddenly felt. What the fuck was happening to him?

“Mick, come on… Let me try to help you!”, Ian emphasized but Mickey was still struggling. What if it had really been a nightmare. Just a normal stupid nightmare his fucked up mind made up to torture him. But why had it felt so real, then? So fucking real…

He looked his husband in the eye and saw nothing but patience and understanding. God, Ian was an angel. How the fuck did he deserve him?

“I dunno if it was a dream…”, he said quietly, avoiding Ian’s gaze, “It just felt too real to be a dream…”

Ian nodded understandingly. “What’s it about?”, he asked, running a hand soothingly up and down his side. Mickey took a deep breath and began to stare at the ceiling. He didn’t want to look into Ian’s eyes. He knew they would be full of pity and he hated that. He hated how all that shit made him feel. Why the fuck couldn’t he just pull himself together? Why did it all bother him so much? It had never been that hard.

“I dreamed of the time before my mother left… when I was a kid.”, Mickey began, feeling the tears threaten to spill again before he quickly rubbed them away. It had all been so peaceful at first. They all had been so happy. “My dad was in jail and… we were… happy.” Ian leaned in closer, while he still wrapped Mickey up in his safe zone. “My mum had signed me up for swimming class… she knew I loved it.”

Ian raised his eyebrows suddenly. “You did?”, he asked surprised. Mickey nodded. “Yeah, I did.”, he replied and swallowed hard at the thought of getting into the water. Something that used to bring him so much joy now just felt like a death trap. And who could blame him?

“The day my dad was released from prison, I came home with wet hair from the pool… he was furious… blamed my mom. Said she would spoil us and that she could not be left alone with us and…” Mickey stopped and took another breath. Talking about it was hard. Harder than he had expected. Not that he would tell anyone but Ian.

“I dunno… I think my dad tried to drown me to prove her that he was serious… He wanted her gone… She had to leave… threatened to kill us all if she didn’t.”

Ian gasped at the unexpected information about his husband’s almost death. “What the fuck?” he said quietly and sat up a little to catch Mickey’s gaze. “So you think this might be a memory, right?”, he asked seriously. Mickey nodded in response. “So… did your mom ever say something like that to you?”

Mickey tilted his head. His mom didn’t like to talk about that time. And he couldn’t even blame her for it. She was ashamed of herself. Ashamed that she had left her kids behind. And he would have never asked her about it because he simply didn’t like to remember. He just wanted to forget everything. And he hated his mind for betraying him like that. 

“She once said that she had to leave or he would’ve killed us but I never asked further questions…”, he replied weakly. Ian nodded, laying a hand on his husband’s cheek again. Mickey sighed heavily and looked his lover in the eye. “You know, you have to talk to her about that shit or it’ll eat you up…”, Ian urged and Mickey nodded slowly.

“I know…”, he said quietly, closing his eyes. He had to. Ian was right. There was no way around it. He was desperately craving for some closure. At the same time he was afraid of the truth. It had all been just so much easier to blame it on his mother. With this memory he had regained, it was more complicated. If he hadn’t come home with wet hair, maybe his mum wouldn’t have had to leave back then. Who knew? Maybe they would have had an easier life. Maybe his mother would have had the courage at some point to leave her husband with her kids.

He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and felt how Ian wrapped him up again. Goddamn, he needed a break.

\- - - - - - 

Mickey stood in the kitchen cutting a sandwich in half for Alana’s lunch at the day-care. He couldn’t fall asleep after the disturbing dream he had had, so he had decided to get up and prepare breakfast. At least like that he did something useful. 

Ian was still getting ready as suddenly a tiny hand wrapped around his leg and startled him from his thoughts. 

“Shit… Princess, you scared me.”, he said without thinking much. Alana chuckled heartily and it made him smile immediately. The little girl didn’t even have to do much to cheer him up. Her careless little laugh was all it took. He leaned down and picked her up. She was still in her pyjamas. He decided that he would help her dress since Ian was still in the shower.

They went up the stairs to her room and he let her down in front of her closet. “Whatcha wanna wear today?”, he asked her and she looked critically at the pile of clothes stashed in her closet. The frown on her face reminded him so much of his sister it hurt.

It had almost been a year now since Alana lived with them and there was still no sign of Mandy. Sometimes Mickey wondered if his sister was still alive, then again, these kind of thoughts just made him uneasy. And if she was dead, what then? There was nothing he could do about it anyway. He was here and he took care of her daughter. That’s what he could do at least.

Alana pulled a bright blue dress from the closet and held it up to show him. He smiled again. Anastasia had given her the dress for her fourth birthday. Anastasia. His mother. The mother that left them alone when he was a child. Because of him? 

“Why are you sad?”, Alana pulled him from his thoughts. He looked down at the little girl in front of him and didn’t know what to answer her. The question was so simple yet the answer so complicated. “Was somebody mean to you?”, she asked again when he didn’t respond. He huffed a laugh. Her world was still so easy. Then he thought about the question again and frowned thoughtfully. “You could say that…”, he replied quietly, trying to keep his smile up.

He kneeled down to help her get dressed. “You could tell someone…”, Alana suggested and he smiled again, “He could get in trouble if you told someone!” Mickey nodded. “You’re right! I should tell someone!”, he agreed with her. “You should tell your mama!”

Mickey didn’t know what to say anymore. His niece had spelled out the thing that was on his mind since he had woken up that night. Of course she didn’t realize the depths of her statement but it shook him anyway. 

He pulled the blue dress over her head and smiled at her. “Ready for Fruit Loops?”, he asked to change the subject and she nodded enthusiastically. She fell around his neck and he picked her up, placing a soft kiss on her head. She giggled and again it made him feel lighter.

They headed downstairs and were met by Ian in the kitchen. “Hey you two!”, he greeted them with a wide grin on his lips, “You’ve been busy this morning!”, he said to Mickey before he gave a him quick kiss on the lips. “Yeah, couldn’t sleep anymore after… you know.” Ian nodded understandingly and sat down next to his foster daughter to make sure she ate her breakfast.

“Hey can you bring Ally to the day-care today?”, Mickey asked suddenly. Ian raised his eyebrows in question. “Got something to do.”, Mickey added before Ian could ask. His husband smiled knowingly. “Yeah, take your time…”, he answered, “I’m here for you when you come back.”

Mickey nodded thoughtfully. God, what would he do without him? He still had to call Tory and let her know that he wouldn’t come to work today. She would be pissed but he didn’t care at the moment. He needed a little peace for his mind. He had to find some answers. That was the most important thing right now. 

\- - - - - - 

A little while later he pulled into a truck stop, halfway down the highway to Carbondale. His mom had agreed to meet him there. He wasn’t sure how this conversation would go but he knew it would be hard. Emotional. Nerve wrecking. But maybe, just maybe he would leave this truck stop later being a little more at peace with himself and the world around him. Maybe then he knew for sure.

He got out of the car and immediately lit himself a cigarette. He wasn’t allowed to smoke in the car anymore since Alana came to live with them. Almost three hours without a smoke and he felt like he wanted to pull his hair out. His dream hadn’t let go of him all day. The nicotine was desperately needed to calm him down a bit before he could talk to his mom.

He saw her black SUV pulling into the parking spot opposed to his and he quickly walked over to her side of the door. She smiled her warm motherly smile when she got out of the car to greet her son with a tight hug. “Hey sweetheart, it’s so nice to see you!”, she said in Ukrainian. He tried to mimic her smile but felt like he had failed. “Yeah, hope I didn’t interrupt anything…”, he replied and nodded towards a little diner close to where they had parked their cars. He needed coffee. Stay awake. He knew he couldn’t sleep even if he had wanted to but he wanted to be focused when he talked to his mother. He needed to hear this story.

“Nah, it’s fine, really! I was so happy you called!”, she said when they entered the diner and sat down in a booth by the window. “Is everything alright, though? You seem a little concerned…”

Mickey nodded absentmindedly. The waitress came and filled their mugs with coffee. What a fucking day.

After he had said nothing for a while he took a deep a breath. If he didn’t start the conversation now he would never do it. “I need you to tell me what happened before you left us 25 years ago…”, he said, without looking at her. 

She sighed and nodded silently. “I wondered when you’d ask…”, she replied, cradling her coffee mug in her hands, “You don’t remember the day, right?” Mickey bit his bottom lip. “I might… remember. I just wanna hear it from you. I wanna know if it’s true.”

Anastasia nodded again. “I get that…”, she smiled sadly, “I don’t really like talking about it but I will try for you!”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment before she began to speak. “You loved to swim so much…”

As Mickey heard the story that confirmed what he had already suspected he felt his hands begin to sweat. He began to breathe faster and there was nothing he could do about it. Before his inner eye he saw the water. The water he got pulled under and almost drowned in.

“… He pulled you out of the water at the very last minute. I don’t know what would have happened if he didn’t…”, his mother continued but he barely heard her. He relived this memory. The panic. The fear and in the end… black. The blackness still haunted him. 

He startled when he felt his mother’s hand on his arm. “Baby, are you okay?”, she asked worriedly. “I…”, he began and felt like he had awoken from a deep sleep, “… I need some air.” He quickly got up and laid some bills on the table before he made his way out of the diner. His mom followed him on his heels.

He turned around a corner in the parking lot and threw up. He couldn’t help it. All of this was just too much.

When he felt like there was nothing left in his stomach and the urge to retch had stopped he leaned on the wall of the diner for balance. His knees were shaking and cold sweat covered his body. He hadn’t felt this bad in a really long time.

“Mickey, are you alright?”, His mom asked again, worry written all over her face. He still gasped for air but attempted to look at her. “No, Mama I’m not alright!”, he answered, still focused on his breathing. The taste in his mouth was awful and made him feel even more sick. All of this. All of his fucking past. It was like poison. 

“Look, I get you’re having a hard time with this but please don’t blame yourself… It wasn’t your fault, sweety!”, Anastasia tried to cheer him up. “It sounds like it is, though…”, he said quietly and sat down. It was no use to keep standing. His knees were shaking and that way he might regain some strength.

“It’s not, baby!”, Anastasia emphasized, “I think your father wanted to get rid of me for a long time… He would’ve snapped one way or the other. It was just bad timing that it was you who triggered it…”

Mickey closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear it anymore. He had had enough hate for himself all his life and now this would just add to the pile. “You couldn’t have known, baby, don’t beat yourself up about it! It was a long time ago and it’s all good now!”, his mother urged while she gently rubbed his arm.

He sighed. “It’s just… It’s just not good now. I mean Mandy is still gone. Alana still lives with us and it’s not like I want her to leave but she should be with her mother. Her mother should be there for her! It’s just not right! Nothing’s fuckin’ right!”

Anastasia looked at him confused. “You think my leaving has affected Mandy.”

He ran a hand over his face. “I don’t know shit! All I know is that no kid should grow up without their fuckin’ mother and I’m not… blaming you here. I know you didn’t have a choice… I just…”

He sighed again, trying to gather his thoughts. Put his feelings into words when his mum sat next to him on the ground, entangling their hands together. “It’s fuckin’ unfair!”, she said calmly and he nodded, smiling a little because his mom rarely cursed. “Yeah… Fuck!”, he exclaimed and rubbed his eyes in exhaustion.

“It’s okay to feel that way, honey… but you can’t change the things that happened to us!”  
“It’s just if I hadn’t even been there in the first place, maybe…”  
“Oh no, don’t play that game! What happened, happened… It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault either. We were just pawns in a cruel game.”  
Mickey shook his head, trying to understand. Trying to feel less guilty but he couldn’t.

“You know, back then… after I had left I called DCFS and informed them about your situation…”, Anastasia began, “I knew that foster care probably wasn’t the best solution but I thought I could reach out to you again once you were placed somewhere. I just wanted you away from that monster.”

Mickey huffed a laugh. This whole situation was hilarious. “I guess it was our fuckin’ fate to stay with him, huh?”, he joked and lit himself a cigarette. Anastasia smiled a little and nodded. “I’m sorry Mama… I blamed you for all that shit for so long and it… I mean you had no choice…”

Anastasia ran her thumb over the back of his hand, squeezing his hand lightly. “Every parent has to endure their children’s blame at one point.”, she smirked, “I’ve made many mistakes in my life, Mickey, but I never stopped caring for my children… even with all this time we were apart. I could never forget you or Mandy. And even though you maybe wish right now that you could change the past it doesn’t matter… We can’t change our past. We can’t change the things that happened. And that doesn’t matter either. What matters is what you make of the present. It’s your decision. Either you grow from this knowledge or you let it destroy you.” Mickey nodded, staring at his feet. What his mother said made sense, nevertheless he felt like a failure.

“My sweet baby boy, you’ve grown so much in the past years. I’m very proud of the man you’ve become. And you’ve become that despite all the bad things that happened in your life. You’ve found your path and you’re doing great! I mean look at you! You have a son, a daughter and a husband who all love you very much! It can’t get any better!”

Mickey snorted at that remark. Not because it was not true but just because he had never seen it that way. Growing up, he had never learned to see the positive in all things. It had just always been the bad shit that occupied his mind. Anastasia’s approach was different. And it made sense. It made so much fucking sense.

“Guess there’s some truth to it…”, he replied quietly and his mom smiled again.   
“Focus on what’s right in front of you, not what has haunted you the past years! There’s nothing you can do about it anyway!” She squeezed his arm and took the cigarette out of his hand to take a drag.

“Is that how you’ve overcome your guilt?”, Mickey asked carefully. Anastasia tilted her head a little. “I guess… I knew if I wanted to live and if I wanted to see you again I had to stop pitying myself. Jerry helped, too. Made me realize that I’m worthy of love and that my love’s worthy.”

Mickey nodded silently. He knew it took a lot to swallow that kind of self-hate. He only ever experienced this kind of love with Ian. Yet, he usually believed that he didn’t deserve his love. And why? Because Ian was better than him? Or because he was taught that he wasn’t worth any love?

He sighed and took her hand in his again. “Thanks Mama!”, he mumbled.  
“Anytime, Baby!”


	12. Superman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated Easter everyone! :)

Mickey felt better after the talk with his mother a couple of days ago. He actually tried taking her advice on focusing on the positive things in his life rather than the negative. Some days he made it work just fine, other days he just mused for hours without coming to a satisfying conclusion. 

They were at the Gallagher house to celebrate Liam’s 16th birthday. It was one of Mickey’s musing days. He hated these big family events and he couldn’t actually bring himself to enjoy it today. Not even seeing Alana happily playing with Debbie’s kids in the garden did the trick for him. Even Yev was here. Hanging around Liam and Carl like the little fanboy that he was.

“Another beer?”, Lip offered and sat next to Mickey at the table. “Sure, thanks!”, Mickey replied and took the cold beer from Lip’s hand. Ian was helping Johnny with the grill while Fiona and Debbie prepared the barbeque. Which left Lip and Mickey watching the kids in the garden.

“In full dad-mode today, huh?”, Lip teased giving him a smug smile. Mickey used to get offended by these kind of pleasantries but not today. He was too deep in his own thoughts to get offended. So instead he nodded and took a sip of his freshly opened beer. “What can I say?”, he answered dryly. To his surprise Lip only chuckled next to him. Jesus, they were so grown up now.

“Got the adoption hearing coming up?”, Lip asked without any malice this time. “Yeah man… Glad when this shit’s finally over!”, Mickey said, watching Alana play Hide and Seek with Joana.   
“Yeah, Ian mentioned the pressure that’s on you two…”  
“They want my fucking ex-wife to testify at the hearing, figure how that goes.”  
“Think she’ll ruin it?”  
Mickey shrugged. “Who the fuck knows? All I know is she’s a fuckin’ bitter bitch. And she loves to be in power. She’ll probably try to get something out of it.”  
“Like what? Money?”  
“Nah, man. She’s got more than enough of it. Think she just enjoys making my life a living hell until the hearing.”  
“She’s kinda vindictive.”  
“Exactly…”  
“I don’t think she’ll ruin the adoption hearing for you guys, though!”  
“We’ll see…”

On the other side of the garden Ian was joking around with John when suddenly Liam came running towards them, holding his phone excitedly in his hand.

“Dude have you heard that this huge building collapsed downtown?”, he asked and showed the two men his phone. “Holy fuck!”, Ian gasped watching the live stream as some EMTs and Paramedics cared for the wounded. As if on cue Ian’s phone rang in his pocket. It was Sue.

“What’s up?”, he answered, already knowing why she called.  
“Have you seen the news today?”, she asked out of breath.  
“Yeah, the building?”  
“Good, sorry to get you from your free day but we need you in the station like now! Everyone’s been called in!”  
Ian sighed. He would have loved to enjoy his day off in the sun with his family but that was not going to happen.   
“Alright. I’m on my way!”, he replied and put his phone away.

“Gotta play Superman?”, Johnny joked and that made Ian smile. He did something meaningful even if he had rather stayed. “Yeah looks like it… Sorry buddy!”, he apologized to his brother. “’S all good man! Go save some lives!”, Liam smiled and walked back to where Carl and Yev still lingered.

Ian walked straight to the table where his husband and his brother sat. “Mick, I gotta go! I got called in. Building collapsed. They’re understaffed!”, he sputtered. Mickey frowned at him. “Isn’t it your day off?”, he asked, “Can’t they call somebody else?” Ian rolled his eyes. This was one of the things Mickey never understood. “Everybody’s been called in today! I don’t get to decide. There’re people’s lives in danger here!”, he replied irritated. “So, you’re just gonna leave?”, Mickey asked just as irritated. Ian huffed. “Just make sure that Ally’s in bed by 8.”, he said and walked past his husband to get to the station.

Mickey shook his head unbelievingly. “You’re a real charmer, man.”, Lip teased again. “Fuck off, man!”, he snarled, as he sat back down to chuck down his beer.

“Where did Ian go?”, Fiona asked confused, balancing a plate full of burgers in her hands. “Superman’s gotta save some lives!”, Mickey huffed, taking the plate out of her hands and walked over to John. 

Fiona and Lip shared a meaningful look before Lip pulled out his phone to see why Ian had been called in on his day off. “Holy shit!”, Fiona gasped, much like her brother a few minutes before, “This is awful!” Lip nodded. “Says here that they still don’t know why it collapsed… some say it was a terrorist attack.” Fiona gazed at him wide-eyed. “You think that’s true?” To which Lip shrugged. “No idea!”

At the grill Mickey set the plate on the small table next to the grill chef. “Don’t tell me you’re pissy because Ian’s had to leave!”, Johnny already predicted his sour mood. Mickey frowned annoyed. “Fuck off, man. This was his one fuckin’ day off of the week and where does he spend it? Not here apparently.”  
“Fuckin’ hypocrite!”, Johnny mumbled.  
“Huh?”, Mickey raised his eyebrows annoyed.  
“You’re a fuckin’ hypocrite!”, John said right in his face.  
“What the fuck?”  
“You heard me! How is it that you work all the fuckin’ time and Ian has to be good with it and you get pissy as soon as he has to head out? To save some goddamn lives, you know?”  
Mickey’s frown deepened.  
“Get your shit together, Milkovich! There are more people in this world that are dependent on your husband than you!”  
Mickey shook his head disbelievingly. Johnny rarely talked to him like that. Hell, he had never really talked to him like that.

“You know, you just totally sounded like your sister!”, he chuckled, easing the frown off his face.  
“I know, right!”, Johnny joined in, “Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it, though!”

Mickey ran a hand through his hair. Why did everybody else around him just always knew what to do? How was it that this kind of instinct was lost to him? He sighed and pulled out his phone. Better apologize now than later.

\- - - - - - 

Ian didn’t feel his phone buzzing in his pants when he climbed inside the ambulance. Sue in the driver’s seat and another EMT between them. They were the last to head out to the collapsed building from their station. As soon as the Sue turned the siren on, Ian was completely focused. The little fight he had had with his husband forgotten. He had more important things to do now.

When they arrived at the scene they drove directly into utter chaos. There were Firefighters, EMTs, Paramedics and Police officers running around, trying to help the people around them. Most of the victims were covered in dust from head to toe. Some of them had severe visible injuries, others just looked shocked and confused. 

They jumped out of the truck and dove into it. Their instructions had been clear. Look for a Lieutenant or Captain in charge and follow their orders. However, it looked like there was no one really in charge. Everything seemed to be chaotic. Everybody just kept running around caring for the people right in front of them, while keeping it together. So that’s what they did. 

“Stay back here and take care of the people on the blankets!”, Sue ordered him and the other EMT, “I’ll see if I can find someone who’s in charge!” Ian immediately lunged forward to look for someone in need. First he treated an elderly man with a big scratch on his cheek. He noted down his name and the number of the blanket the man was sitting on and handed the information to an official with a notepad. The next one he approached was a young woman, probably a little younger than him with a head wound and a spread ankle. She cried hysterically and he struggled to calm her down and take care of her injuries. She couldn’t even tell him her name. 

He was about to patch her head wound, when she suddenly dug her nails in his arm painfully. He softly laid his hand on hers and tried to make her let go but she just dug deeper. “Ms. , please!”, he said friendly, still pulling on her hand but her grip just grew tighter and tighter until she drew blood. “Ms. , please let go of me, I’m trying to take care of your head wound!”, he tried again but the women still held on. She stared ahead, fixating nothing specific and mumbled something. 

Ian leaned in closer in an attempt to understand what she was saying. “My daughter… my daughter…“, she stammered. “Your daughter?”, Ian asked confused and looked around them. There were no children around them. “Is your daughter here somewhere?”, he asked again and that’s when the woman stared directly into his eyes. “She’s still inside!”, she said so he could barely hear her. His eyes grew wide as he looked over where the collapsed building was. 

The first two floors were still standing but that was no guarantee that it would hold. Some firefighters and police officers were trying to secure the ruins while others still looked for injured or unconscious people beneath the debris all the while being careful to not get too much into the remains.

Ian looked back at the woman. “I will look for your daughter, okay?”, he assured her and she nodded while big tears streamed down her face, “Can you tell me her name?” The woman let go of his arm and he could see the bloody marks she had left. She showed him her phone with a big crack in the screen. A little black haired girl smiled up at him probably Alana’s age. “Tessa.”, she stammered, “Her name is Tessa.” 

Ian nodded and finally patched her head wound. He then gathered all his stuff and swung his bag back on his shoulder. “I’ll look for her!”, he assured her again and the woman nodded smiling thankfully. He walked in quick strides over to the officer to check if the girl probably already had been found. But the man simply shook his head at the girl’s description and referred him to one of the captains securing the building.

As he came closer he eventually saw the extent of the tragedy. The officials that were walking around found more corpses than survivors in the debris. It was heart-breaking. He knew now why Sue had ordered him to stay back and care for the wounded instead of being here, looking for who was dead or alive. He took a deep breath and moved forward approaching another officer with a notepad, assuming he might keep track of more names. 

“Hey did you see a little girl, black hair, Caucasian, between 3 and 5 years old maybe? Her name’s Tessa.”, he asked the official that immediately looked down at his list. “Tessa, you say?”, he asked back and Ian nodded. He skimmed the pages but eventually shook his head. “Nope, the only toddlers we found are already headin’ to the hospital with their parents… no one by the name Tessa.”, he answered before he was called over by another official.

Ian frowned. He didn’t even know why he was here searching for a little girl when there were so many people in need of help. Maybe because she reminded him of Alana and he would want someone to look for her if he was in that kind of situation. He got a little closer to the building, scanning the ground for traces of a little girl when he heard a loud crack above his head and someone from behind him shouting: “Hey you get the fuck away from there!”

On instinct he jumped forward, barely escaping the huge debris that was coming down. He felt a dull pain on his head before everything went dark.

\- - - - - - 

Mickey checked his phone for the millionth time that afternoon. Ian was probably already in action so he couldn’t reply, he told himself. He had a bad feeling. Really bad. Not just because he had been a dick but because he had the distinct feeling that something awful had happened to Ian. He put his phone back on the table where the rest of Ian’s family was keeping track of the events. 

A reporter was suddenly informing the viewers of the live stream that one of the helpers had had an accident and that they were looking for him in the debris. Mickey ran a hand over his face hoping vehemently that it wasn’t his stupid giraffe legged redhead that was chilling in the debris because he thought it would be a good idea to save some lives and getting himself in danger while at it.

Mickey sat next to Lip staring at the screen for more information about the “helper”. He didn’t even notice when Alana wrapped her little hands around his leg. “Miggey?”, she asked while the reporter on the phone babbled on, interviewing a Fireman on the status of the missing helper and other victims. Mickey felt his heart racing. What if it was really Ian? What would he do if Ian died? If the last words he said to his husband were “So you’re just gonna leave?”. 

“Daddy?”, Alana tried again and at first he didn’t even realize what she had just called him, that it was him she was addressing. Alana slapped his thigh and that did it. He looked down at her like she was the first human before he realized what she had just called him. Daddy. She called him Daddy. He was her Dad. The realization hit him like a brick wall. Even though he had been thinking about it for the past months it hadn’t become real until now. 

Dad. He was her dad. But so was Ian. And Ian was probably MIA. Probably hurt or worse dead.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He didn’t know anything for sure. So, he picked her up and sat her in his lap. “Where’s Eeen?”, she asked innocently when she had finally gained his attention. “At work.”, he replied taciturnly. “What work?”, she asked again and that made him frown. He knew kids asked a lot but how did the kid always seem to hit a nerve when he was having a bad day. He took a deep breath trying to gather his thoughts.

“He’s Superman!”, John suddenly intervened, “He’s helping people in need, you know? Your dad is a Superhero!” Alana stared at him with wide eyes. “A superhero!”, she whispered amazed. Fiona smiled at her. “Yes, sweety he’s saving people at the moment!”

Mickey was grateful for the little distraction when he suddenly felt his phone buzzing in his pants. An unknown caller. He excused himself from the table, handing Alana over to Fiona.

“What?”, he asked, already annoyed that someone interrupted his thoughts.  
“Mickey? This is Sue.”  
Mickey felt the lump in his throat tighten when he heard his husband’s superior’s voice.  
“It’s Ian…”  
Oh God here it came…  
“He was searching for a little girl in the debris and…”  
Mickey felt like his heart might stop. Sue continued how they hadn’t found him yet but they were trying their very best and so on and so on but Mickey couldn’t hear it. It was like his brain had short-circuited.   
“Thanks for telling me.”, he said calmly when she had finally stopped talking and hung up. He went back to the table with a stonily expression on his face. He picked up Alana again and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Wanna go play with Joana again? I gotta talk to the adults real quick.”, he said and Alana nodded enthusiastically. He put her down on the ground and ran towards her cousin screeching: “My dad is a superhero!” He smiled after her before he lit himself a cigarette and sat back down next to Lip.

The others were looking at him expectantly but he just kept staring at the table. “What’s goin’ on, man?”, Johnny asked worriedly. “Ian’s the helper that’s been missing.”

\- - - - - - 

When Ian opened his eyes he felt like an eighteen wheeler had run him over. His head was throbbing and his arm felt like it had been crushed. He lifted his head a little and tried to get up. He couldn’t see much. It was dark and dusty which made him cough and squint his eyes so he could try and make something out. 

He managed to kneel before he could feel with his functioning right hand what had happened to his hurting left hand. As he swept his own fingers he immediately knew that his hand was probably broken since he couldn’t move it and it felt swollen. 

Ian searched around for his bag but couldn’t find it anywhere around him, all the while holding his broken hand to his body in a protective stance. 

He could call for help over the radio, he reminded himself.

His good hand reached for the little speaker attached to his uniform and pressed the button, but it made no sound. Probably broken, the fucking useless thing. He took another breath, careful to not inhale too much dust. And tried to move forward. 

There wasn’t much space but he managed to crawl a few foot before his good hand found something soft on the ground. He groped further and realized it must be someone’s head. A man’s head. He had a beard. Besides that he was cold. Dead, Ian thought. He had seen and felt enough dead people to know when there was no hope anymore. However, he tried to feel a pulse at the side of his neck just to be sure. Nothing. Ian’s heart was rushing and he felt the tears bubbling up. Why the fuck was he even here? On his free day. He should have just ignored the call and stayed with his family. Stayed with Mickey and Alana. Jesus, he had fought with Mickey before he left. What if he never saw him again? What if the last words to his husband were “Just make sure that Ally’s in bed by 8.”? What if the building collapsed completely, burying him in the concrete? Stop, he scolded himself, you’re a professional, stop!

He closed his eyes again and took a few breaths to calm himself down. There! There was a noise to his right. He opened his eyes again and tried to make out anything. Was the man alive after all?

No. It wasn’t the man. He heard faint breathing somewhere next to the man. A child maybe? “Who’s there?”, he asked in the dark. Then there was sobbing. “My name’s Ian. I’m an EMT. I’m here to help!”, he tried again. “Mommy…”, he heard a high pitched voice cry quietly. Ian suddenly remembered the reason why he was even trapped here. He had searched for a little girl. Tessa!

“Tessa?”, he asked softly, “Is that you?” He crawled over the man in the little space he had and groped forward until his hand reached a warm leg. “Tessa?”, he asked again. The girl was shaking and she was crying but it must be her, he thought. The toddler grabbed his hand and squeezed. He returned her squeeze reassuringly. “I’m here to help! I talked to your mom!”, he said carefully, “Are you hurt?”

He heard the little girl continue to sob before he felt her crawling closer. She was basically in his lap now. “No.”, she said quietly, “I want my Mommy!” Ian tried to comfort her as good as he could. “I know… “, he began when his eyes suddenly could make out a dim beam of light falling through the cracks. There must be somebody here looking for them. “Ian!”, he heard the dull cry of his name, “Ian, can you here me?” It was Sue. She was up there looking for him.

“We’re here!”, he screamed as loud as he could, the whimpering little girl pressed tightly to his side. He heard mumbled voices up there and he felt his tears threatening to spill again. God was he happy to hear his co-workers voice.

\- - - - - - 

Mickey’s heart wanted to jump out of his chest. Soon after he had told the others about Ian he had rushed to the collapsed building, leaving Alana and Yev in Fiona’s and Johnny’s care. If Ian thought he could play beneath the debris then he might as well go find him and drag his ass out of there. At least so he thought, but the officials didn’t let him. Police officers had closed the road off for the public so everybody could do their job.

“Please stand back!”, an officer ordered him. “Let me the fuck through! My fuckin’ husband is in there!”, Mickey replied trying to push the officer aside. “Sir, stand back, please. We’re doing everything we can.” Mickey huffed, pulling out his phone to check if Sue had called him again. Nothing. He ran a hand over his face and he couldn’t stop his thoughts from spinning. Imagining a life without Ian. He didn’t know if he could do it again. Now that they had a toddler, how could he? How the fuck could he?

He turned to the officer again still holding back other people trying to get information about their loved ones. “Call Sue! She’s one of the paramedics looking for my husband! The guy that got lost looking for people!” The officer frowned at him. “You mean Ian?”, he asked and Mickey nodded. “Yes, fuck! Ian! Can you please call someone and ask for an update! Or let me in and I’ll do it myself!”

The cop stood back a little speaking into the little radio attached to his uniform before he waved Mickey over. “Go to the ambulance over there, Sue’s waiting.”, he said and made room for Mickey to pass through. 

Mickey ran like a lunatic, passing multiple injured people, sitting on the ground. He was out of breath when he reached the ambulance where Sue was waiting for him. She looked shook. Like she had some bad news and his heart dropped. “Mickey…”, she said lowly and tried to smile a little. Mickey stared at her, not knowing what to say or what to do. If she told him his husband was dead then it became real and he had to face it all. A life without Ian. Alone. Again. 

“We found him.”, Sue said still with a light smile on her face that Mickey couldn’t interpret. Was she trying to comfort him or was she happy he was alive. Why couldn’t she just tell him? “Jesus fucking Christ, just tell me!”, he startled her and she fell silent. “Just let him through, Sue.”, he heard a familiar voice and his head snapped up. He quickly moved past Sue, around the truck.

Relieve flushed through his body when he saw that wiry redhead of his sitting in the back of the truck. His arm in a sling and his hand taped. He was covered in dust much like the other victims he had seen. “Fuck!”, Mickey gasped as his husband smiled back at him and swung his arms around him. “Fuck! Fuck!”, Mickey muttered as he held his husband close. “Careful, Mick, my hand.”, Ian chuckled and Mickey loosened his grip a little, cupping Ian’s head instead. “Are you okay?”, he asked carefully, “What the hell happened?” Ian shrugged lightly staring down at his feet. “Just… an accident, I guess.”, he smiled lightly. 

“Accident my ass!”, Sue snorted behind them, “He saved a little girl’s life by getting himself in danger.” Mickey looked from Sue to Ian and the latter tilted his head a little. “Yeah, it was on accident, though.” Sue laughed and shook her head walking away to give them some space.

Mickey ran a hand through Ian’s dusty hair. “I was such an asshole!”, he mumbled, “I’m really fuckin’ sorry.” Ian beamed at him before he pulled his husband’s face down to press their lips together. “Apology granted.”, he joked, stroking Mickey’s cheek. “I mean it, man!”, Mickey emphasized, “I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

Ian nodded. “It’s okay, Mick, I’m fine.”  
“I want you to do that Paramedics class again!”, Mickey suddenly blurted out, “You’re fuckin’ good at your job! And it was stupid and selfish of me that I just let you quit and… fuck!”  
Ian smiled at him again. “Can I maybe have a Burger first and cuddle our daughter? I’m pretty beat for today.”  
Mickey laughed relieved. “Yes, fuck, yes, we can do that!”


	13. Balance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the longest it took me to publish a chapter. I'm really sorry! On the good side I'm already writing the follow up chapter so you don't have to wait too long :)
> 
> Hope you guys are fine and having a great day!  
> Enjoy the new chapter!

The sun was gleaming through the shades of Mickey’s and Ian’s bedroom. It was way past ten when Ian finally stretched and decided to get up. His body still ached at every possible angle. His arm had been put in a plaster cast. Broken hand, like he had suspected. Luckily, no further severe injuries.

He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. Even though it had been a week since the tragedy had occurred, he still felt exhausted. Physically as well as mentally. He knew he had to take good care of himself to not slip. But the very thought of slipping made him anxious, which in return increased his chances if slipping.

He took a deep breath, walking over to their bathroom for a quick shower. Routine. He needed routine. Keep himself busy while getting the rest his body so desperately craved for. He needed to keep it together. Now more than ever. 

Downstairs he heard the TV running as he put on a fresh T-shirt and some sweatpants before he left the bedroom to look for his little family. His eyes immediately fell on Mickey sprawled on the couch when he entered the living room. Alana, still in her Pajamas, in a similar fashion on his chest. Both staring at a yellow cartoon sponge on TV. 

He smiled at the scene displayed in front of him. Was it possible that he could love his husband even more? He considered himself extremely lucky in these moments. His life was perfect. He had all he ever wanted. Well, almost. There was still something that had to be done before their luck was entirely perfect.

“Yo, Sleeping beauty, awake, yet?”, Mickey chuckled with a huge smile on his face. Ian scratched the back of his head shyly. “You could’ve woken me up.”, he replied, knowing fairly well that Mickey had let him sleep on purpose. “Mmmh… didn’t wanna poke the morning grouch.”, Mickey said and Alana began to laugh on his chest. 

Ian cracked a smile and sat down next to them. “Have you guys eaten, yet?”, he asked and tickled Alana’s sides so she had to laugh even more. “Yup, had a classic of American breakfast cuisine.”, Mickey snorted. “Really? What did you eat?”, Ian asked curiously.

Alana looked at Ian with her big blue eyes and a wild grin played on her lips. “Fruit Loops!”, she laughed and nearly fell from Mickey’s chest if Mickey’s hand didn’t shoot up at the right moment to keep her steady. “Careful, Giggles!”

“Well, I’m gonna look for this delicious feast then.”, Ian joked and made his way to the kitchen. As he tossed the cereal into a bowl he suddenly felt warm hands on his hips. “How ya feelin’?”, Mickey asked, standing directly behind him, kissing his neck. “I’m good.”, Ian said optimistically, because that’s what it was. Good. He turned around and ran his hands up and down his husband’s sides. Mickey stared into his eyes as if he didn’t believe him. “Head still hurts?”, he asked and Ian slowly shook his head. “It’s gettin’ better!”

Mickey pulled him closer and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Ian knew what this was. Mickey was still shook from almost losing him. So he needed to show him in every way that he cared. And he was fine with it. Even though most of the time it irritated him when Mickey was in nurse mode, lately he came to enjoy it. If he wanted to take care of him he let him. 

Ian kissed him again before he turned around to finish making his breakfast. “Did you talk to Lana?”, Ian asked while pouring milk on his cereal. “Yeah, she’ll come by later.”, Mickey replied, refilling his coffee mug. Ian nodded and followed his husband back to the living room, a bowl full of fruit loops in his hands. 

They spent almost the whole morning on the couch together. It was Saturday and there wasn’t much to do today except for working out a battle plan for the adoption hearing with their lawyer. It was time for them to prepare themselves. And this was the last hurdle they had to take. Ian simply enjoyed the calm before the storm. Forgetting the time while doing so.

The doorbell pulled them out of their domestic bliss. “Shit.”, Ian cursed and got up to answer the door. He got greeted by his sister and her two red-headed spawns that already pushed him aside to get into the house. “Hey Debbs.”, he greeted her awkwardly, very aware of his appearance. “Well, good morning. Just woke up?”, she asked him teasingly. “Nah we just forgot the time.”, he apologized and let her inside. 

Mickey was already standing, holding Alana by her hands in the air as she giggled on. “Should we get dressed?”, he asked her playfully and she immediately shook her head, “I thought so.” He swung her over his shoulder and walked in direction of the stairs. “Gonna dress the monster. You cool on your own?”, he asked Ian and the latter nodded before Mickey disappeared upstairs followed by his two nieces.

“I can’t believe Mickey is actually a good dad!”, Debbie marveled as she sat her bag down on one of the kitchen chairs, “How are you doing?” Ian smiled at her because he just couldn’t help it. “I’m good.”, he said again because what else could he say? He poured his sister a cup of coffee and handed it to her.

“So it’s getting’ serious, huh? With the adoption and everything.”  
Ian nodded. “Yeah… Monday is the date.”  
“Nervous?”  
“Excited mostly.”  
“Glad when it’s over?”  
“God, yes!”, Ian groaned and they both had to laugh at that.  
“Hope you’re takin’ care of yourself though.”  
Ian tilted his head and nodded slowly.   
“Sure… I always do. It’s just, you know… the accident and everything.”

Debbie smiled understandingly and squeezed his shoulder.  
“I get it… Just reach out if you need to like… talk to someone about it. This wasn’t a normal day at the office, you know. It’s okay if you struggle with what you’ve seen and experienced.”  
“Do I get lectured by my little sister now?”, Ian asked teasingly.  
“Nah… we just worry. It’s what siblings do.”, Debbie replied seriously and Ian immediately knew who she meant by ‘we’. 

After he had assured everyone that he was fine, he hadn’t talked to anyone of his siblings. They worried naturally about him. That he might slip. That this had been too much for him. Being trapped under debris, waiting for the rescue to dig them out of there. Seeing all those injured people, desperate people and of course the many corpses that had littered their way. Of course, his siblings worried about him.

Everybody in their right mind would worry if something like that had happened to someone close to them. However, he didn’t feel like talking about it much. Sure, he had talked to Mickey about that day and to Sue but it just felt like whenever someone asked him about it he felt incredibly guilty. Like he should have done more. Like he hadn’t made a difference back there at all. All he had done was to worry more people. Not much help.

He got pulled from his thoughts when Alana and her two cousins ran past him to the living room. “Hey slow down! Damn it!”, Debbie cussed and went after the trio. Ian was relieved that she was distracted. He didn’t have to talk. Not now maybe not ever.

“Wanna get dressed, too? Or you wanna just keep the sweats on?”, Mickey joked, smiling that wicked smile Ian loved so much, “Bet Seph would love to see you like that!” Ian chuckled and placed a kiss on his husband’s cheek before he went upstairs to get ready.

\- - - - - - 

“I fuckin’ love you!”, Ian mumbled into Mickey’s neck when they lie in bed after a long exhausting day full of battle plans. Sephora had left only an hour ago after they had talked to Svetlana about her statement for hours. Nothing could go wrong now… or so they all hoped. Ian felt like his head might explode.

“Love you, too.”, Mickey replied, turning around sluggishly, “You okay with all that?”   
Ian sighed annoyed. “Of course I’m fuckin’ okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”  
“You just seem… off. In thoughts or whatever.”, Mickey shrugged, running his hand up and down Ian’s side, “I’m just sayin’ it’s okay to postpone the thing if you’re not feelin’ up to it.”  
“No fuckin’ way! We’re not gonna postpone anything! I want this! We want this!”  
“Of course WE do… I’m not sayin’ we’ll call it off.”  
“Just stop doin’ that!”  
“Doin’ what?”  
“Worrying. I’m sick of it. Everybody just stop!”  
“I’m the only one here for one, and two you’re a pretty hard case not to worry about… at the moment.”  
“Fuck off!”  
“Oh come on, Gallagher.”  
“No seriously… could everybody just act like I’m normal? For just one day? Just one day without the “are you okays” and “how ya feelins” would be enough.”  
“People worry because people care about you, you dumb fuck! But fine I won’t say shit anymore!”  
“Good!”  
“Now stop bein’ a baby and fuck me already.”  
“I’m still mad at you!”, Ian huffed when he leaned over his husband.  
“Good!”

\- - - - - - 

On edge. On edge was the best way to describe Ian’s mood as he sat down at the familiar table in front of the judge. This was the last step, Ian reminded himself. The last hurdle. The last thing they had to do before Alana was legally their child. Their responsibility. Their daughter.

Mickey and Sephora had sat down next to him. Ian didn’t know how Mickey could seem so calm. Compared to last time they had sat in these chairs he was the personified serenity. He even reached out and squeezed Ian’s hand encouragingly. How could their roles have been reversed so fast? Why was Ian so on edge?

Was it the situation? Being in a courtroom? Waiting for the hearing? Or did he finally have some doubts at the very end of this long road?

He shook his head to clear his mind and took a deep breath. He needed to stop thinking. He wanted this. More than anything. Even before Mickey wanted it. 

Why did he feel so worthless then? Like he couldn’t be a good dad. Like he couldn’t protect his family. Like he was such a burden…

“Gallagher!”, Mickey whispered harshly.  
Ian’s head turned around to his husband’s.  
“Calm the fuck down! It’s all gonna be fine!”  
Ian nodded quickly and released Mickey’s hand, he had held in a death grip.

The proceedings began with the usual questioning. The judge, an elderly woman, looked through their files thoroughly. The first one he wanted to speak with was of course the woman from the DCFS. Luckily, she reported nothing negative and even praised how they complied to the requirements.

The next one was Svetlana. On Saturday, she had promised to help them out. To say nothing negative about their relationship to each other or to Yevgeny. Ian knew Mickey still didn’t trust her and always expected her to stab a knife in his back. Ian wasn’t sure if she could be that cruel. Sure, if she got something out of it she’d probably do it but in this case? Highly unlikely.

Svetlana sat down at the table and let her icy gaze wander over them. Her mouth twitched which Ian assumed was a smile before she turned fully to the judge.

“Svetlana Wallace?”, the judge asked eying her carefully.  
“Yes.”  
“You are Mr. Milkovich’s ex-wife and the mother of Yevgeny Milkovich, which is also Mr. Milkovich’s son. Is that correct?”  
“Yes, is correct.”  
The judge gazes at her piercingly and takes off her glasses.  
“Tell me how did you meet your ex-husband?”

“Through party in neighbourhood.”, Svetlana lies without a flinch.  
The judge takes notes and nods.  
“And why did you get married?”  
“Because I was pregnant.”  
“So you had sex?”  
“Yes.”  
“Even though Mr. Milkovich claims to be gay and is now married to Mr. Gallagher.”  
“Yes.”  
“How?”

Ian can feel Mickey tense next to him. They knew a question like that would come and they had prepared an answer.

“Difficult times… Father wasn’t okay with gay son. Gay son has to fuck and marry woman.”  
The judge looked perplexed.  
“That sounds like he forced himself on you.”  
Svetlana huffs amused. “He did not.”  
“Okay Mrs. Wallace.”, the judge sighs, “Are you sure your son is also Mr. Milkovich’s son by blood? Did you ever get that in writing?”  
“No. But I’m sure. He was only penis at the time.”  
The judge raises her eyebrows and takes some more notes.

“Has he been a constant in your son’s life?”  
“Not always… but he has been for past 7 years.”  
“What can you say about the relationship between father and son.”  
“Yevgeny loves his dad. Never stops talking. Wants every minute spent with him.”  
“I see that you have sole custody. Do you have an agreement on visitation with Mr. Milkovich?”  
“Yes. Every other weekend and two weeks in summer.”

The judge nods again and takes a deep breath.  
“Mrs Wallace, do you know Alana Milkovich?”  
“Yes.”  
“And would you say that your ex-husband and his partner can provide a stable and loving environment for her?”  
“I believe so.”  
“Thank you Mrs. Wallace.”

Svetlana gives them one last icy smirk and leaves the courtroom.

Ian can feel Mickey take a deep breath next to him. Svetlana’s statement sounded good. Better then what they had rehearsed with Sephora. 

The judge looks through her files again and takes a sharp look at Ian.   
“Mr. Gallagher, are you alright?”  
“Y-yes, your honor.”, he stutters well aware that his feet had begun to tremble again. He forced himself to sit still and took a deep breath.   
“Alright then, would you please step forward.”

Ian wasn’t sure what was going to happen. They weren’t prepared for being questioned again. They already had been questioned at the guardianship hearing. The protocol was in their files. What was the matter now? What could she possibly want to know?

“Mr. Gallagher you seem awfully nervous today. Is there a reason to be nervous?”  
Ian shakes his head unsurely.   
“No your honor.”  
“You have dealt with bipolar disease for several years now.”  
“Yes.”  
“Would you still say that you’re up for parenthood?”  
“I will… I mean I am already a parent to her.”  
The judge smiles and Ian has a feeling that she could be a really sweet grandma despite her cold attitude in court.

“I know many people that suffer from bipolar disease and I know that they tend to be skittish. A parent can’t be skittish when it comes to their child. Do you understand, Mr. Gallagher?”

Ian swallows hard. That didn’t sound good at all. He took a deep breath to answer the judge when a loud knock interrupted the silence. A young woman opened the door and Ian was sure he had seen her before.

“Excuse me.”, she said shyly. She entered the courtroom, a little girl next to her. The judge looked confused.   
“I work at the front desk and I saw that Mr. Gallagher was part of an adoption hearing here.”, she explained.   
The judge raised her eyebrows.

“If you work here, you know very well that you cannot come busting in here and interrupt this hearing. This action could cost you your job.”, the judge threatened.

“I’m aware of that Judge McCormik but I need to speak to you about Mr. Gallagher.”

Ian frowned and turned around fully to the woman and then it hit him.

“Two weeks ago my daughter here and I were in the building that collapsed a few blocks from here. While I could be saved, my daughter was still stuck under the debris.”

“Okay, and why are you telling me this?”, the judge asked impatiently.

“If it hadn’t been for Mr. Gallagher, Tessa probably wouldn’t be alive today… he saved my daughter from the debris, your honor. He looked after her selflessly and even got himself in danger to rescue her. A child couldn’t be anywhere safer then with Mr. Gallagher.”

Tessa, Ian remembered the little girl’s name was Tessa, smiled at him next to her mother. When he turned around to the judge he saw that she had raised her eyebrows and looked at him expectantly. 

“Is that true Mr Gallagher?”  
Ian nodded.   
The judge looked back at the woman and her child.   
“Thank you for informing me about this incident. However, if you interrupt a hearing again you will face consequences.”, she warned her.   
The woman nodded and left the courtroom with her daughter quickly.

“Thank you Mr. Gallagher. I will now retreat to my chambers to reach my final decision.”


	14. Priority

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three days after the hearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one :) Hope you enjoy it!

“Dad?”  
“Yes, princess?”  
“Where is Een?”  
“He’s at the clinic.”  
“Why?”  
“Because he’s sick.”  
“He was sad.”  
“Yeah, he was.”  
“He cried a lot.”  
“Yeah…”  
“Did somebody hurt him?”  
“Not really.”  
“Why did he cry then?”

Mickey didn’t know how to explain something so complex as bipolar disease to a four year old but somehow he couldn’t leave her hanging either. Even though it hurt just thinking about it, it hurt even more talking about it. Talking about how a day that should have been one of their happiest days had turned into one of their worst.

“You know, your dad Ian, he has a sickness.”  
“Like a cold?”  
“More like a… head sickness. It’s called bipolar.”  
“Like polar bear?”  
“No bipolar. It means that he is sometimes really really sad and… he doesn’t really know why.”  
“Mmh.”

Alana frowned, trying to make sense of it.

“Does he not want to be my dad?”  
“Why do you think that?”  
“Because he said it is better if he wasn’t.”  
“I think that he wants to be your dad but he thinks that he’s not good enough.”  
“But why?”  
“Because his dad was shit.”  
“Dad!”  
“Sorry… his dad was bad.”  
“Why?”  
“Because he did bad things.”  
“Why?”

Mickey sighed. Since Alana had begun to talk more, she talked nonstop. Or rather asked. Asked about literally everything. He knew that the conversation was inevitable as he had to take Ian to the psych ward just a few hours ago but he had wished for a lighter bedtime story than that.

“Because he wasn’t there for his children.”  
“But Een is never bad.”  
“I know.”  
“And I really want him to be my dad!”  
“Me, too.”  
“And you are my dad, too.”  
“Absolutely.”  
“Mmh… Can we go cheer him up then?”, she asked hopefully.  
“It doesn’t really work like that… but you could paint him a picture tomorrow. I bet he would like that.”  
“Okay.”  
“Okay?”  
“Yeah, okay.”  
“Good! So whatcha wanna read?”

\- - - - - - 

A little while later Mickey lie in bed awake. He couldn’t sleep. He wondered if he ever slept again. After everything they had been through something like that had to happen. He felt cursed all over again. 

Ian had been medicated for years. The slips had been fewer in the past few years, too. However, they were never beyond another manic or depressive episode. 

 

This time he had to pull the plug early. There was a tiny human depending on them now. And Ian. Well, it was bad. A massive depressive episode. Almost as bad as the first time Mickey had witnessed it so many years ago. Ian had basically given up on everything. It had felt so much like Monica, Mickey shivered. Although he had never met Ian’s mother, the stories Ian had told him about her were enough. Worst of all, he knew Ian hated it when he got compared to his mother.

Mickey sighed and got up to check on Alana for the sixth time this night. She slept so peacefully. A year ago he would’ve never imagined her to sleep like that. Not with all the turmoil in her young life. Finally, they had hoped a little peace had been restored in her. What kind of effects Ian’s absence had on her, Mickey didn’t know, yet. It was good that she asked. It was good that she talked. And they had known from the beginning, they had to be open about this. Ian’s disease. Her mother’s absence. Her heritage. Her two gay dads that adopted her.

Mickey closed the door to her room silently and went down the stairs. He took a beer from the fridge and opened it, before he went out on the porch to light himself a cigarette.

Adoption. It was official now. They were legally her fathers. On paper. Before the state. He still couldn’t believe that they had made it. They had made the adoption hearing. Nevertheless, he didn’t feel much like celebrating.

Soon after they had gotten home with the great news, Ian had begun to lie in bed for hours and hours. Crying. Worrying. Panicking. Sometimes talking about what a burden he was. The next minute talking about how if he killed himself, how much happier they would be. And then not talking at all. Each word a tiny pin in Mickey’s heart. He couldn’t do it this time. He couldn’t try to keep him together this time. He had to be there for Alana, too. She was dependent on them. And she hadn’t understood why Ian had been like that. 

Mickey had made the call in the morning. After the second night of no sleep because he was too afraid Ian could hurt himself. Ian had resigned quickly. Lip had taken him to the clinic. “I understand if you want to end this.”, Ian had said before they had left, “She’s your priority now and she should be. It’s okay.”

Mickey puffed out a plume of smoke into the cold fall air. Ian had been right. Alana was his priority now. That didn’t necessary mean that Ian wasn’t important to him anymore. All it meant was she always came first. That’s what fathers do... Or should do.  
\- - - - - - 

Mickey stood at the entrance of the clinic. He had just finished talking to Ian’s doc on the phone: New medication. Had to take it easy for a while. Routine. Exercise. Yada yada yada. Everything Mickey already knew. 

Alana was at the daycare and since Mickey had woken up he couldn’t think of anything else but how Ian was doing. Would he be pissed? Would he not want to see him? Would he not want to come with him? He didn’t know anything. Ian hadn’t wanted any visitors in the whole two weeks he had been here at the clinic and Mickey didn’t know if that had been out of shame what Ian had said before or if he still thought like that.

The doors behind the desk opened and Mickey’s heart jumped as he noticed the familiar shock of red hair.

Ian’s gaze was to the ground when he made his way through the heavy door. His backpack swung lazily over his shoulder. His eyes quickly scanned Mickey’s face and went back to the ground as soon as he saw him. Shame.

In two quick strides Mickey stood before him and pressed him to his chest. Ian buried his face in his shoulder and took a deep breath.

“I’m so sorry.”, he whispered and Mickey pulled him even closer.   
“I missed you.”, Mickey answered and pulled back a little so he could kiss him. God, it felt good to press his lips on his husband’s again.   
“Can we talk outside?”, Ian asked with a thick voice when he broke the kiss.  
Mickey nodded slowly and they walked silently outside towards Mickey’s car.

Ian lingered by the passenger door, gaze still fixed to the ground.  
“So…”, he began and Mickey could see the tears welling up in his eyes.  
“So…”, Mickey repeated, “ya leavin’?”  
Ian still avoided his look and Mickey knew that he had thought about it.  
“I… I think it would be best if I kept my distance from Alana… I just… I don’t wanna mess her up.”  
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?”  
Ian shook his head. A silent tear running down his cheek.  
“I don’t know what I was thinkin’ before… I can never be a dad. This can never work and now… Now I’ve lost you, too.”  
“Bullshit!”  
This time Ian turned around to Mickey, looking at him in full surprise.  
“Stop whining, Gallagher, and get in the fuckin’ car!”  
“What?”, Ian stuttered.  
“Get in the fuckin’ car! You’re not leavin’ you’re not keeping your distance. You’re gonna get your ass in the car and we’ll go pick up OUR daughter!”  
Ian looked at him dazzled. Like he had seen Mickey for the first time.  
“Mick… this is…”  
“Oh shut up! You’ve had enough time to think about all the ways we could mess her up and you know what? I don’t think everything that happened the past two weeks could mess her up any worse than what she has already been through. She keeps asking me every goddamn night where you are and when you will come back and I keep telling her that you just have to get better. That you will return eventually and I’m not fuckin’ lying!”  
Mickey took a deep breath. He knew his rant could go either way but he just had to make it clear to Ian that he couldn’t just run away from it.

“You know she will suffer under this. I’m not sure if I want to be responsible for giving her a shitty childhood like that.”  
“Well, tough shit, Gallagher. That’s a little too late to decide because legally you’re already her dad and besides don’t you fuckin’ think you’d mess her up even worse if ya didn’t show up anymore? If ya just disappeared like her mum?”  
Ian didn’t say anything to that. He just stood there and kept staring at his husband.

“We’re over the running bullshit, remember? We don’t do this anymore! You’re as much in it as I am. So, move your ass!”  
“Shouldn’t we talk about what I said… ?”  
“We’re over talking. And you’re over doubting yourself. I will not let this happen, Ian. So you’ll come voluntarily or do I have to drag your ass? Because I will! You know I will.”  
Ian lips formed a small smile and relieve flooded Mickey’s chest. He made it.

\- - - - - - 

Ian had been silent the whole drive to the daycare. He wasn’t completely convinced about what Mickey had told him but it felt good to still have this safe haven Mickey provided for him.

The past two weeks he had constantly beaten himself about everything. Like why had he pushed for adoption in the first place? Why did he want to risk screwing up an innocent child? He wasn’t sure what he was thinking before. All he knew now was that Mickey wouldn’t let him leave. That Mickey would make sure he was part of her life. He couldn’t leave, he was stuck. The only thing Ian could do was trying to keep himself together. He didn’t have to be like Monica. He had been good for a long time. This was his first slip in years. If he kept taking his meds and seeing his doctor, it wouldn’t be so bad, would it?

He looked over at his husband steering the car into the familiar parking lot and had to smile.   
“Whatcha lookin’ at?”  
Ian’s smile grew bigger. Some things never changed.  
“You don’t curse as much anymore.”, Ian noticed.  
“Yeah, well, I’ve been exhorted more than once by the little princess living at our house for my potty mouth, so…”  
Ian chuckled and a warm comforting feeling spread in his chest. He had missed that feeling. He had missed Mickey. And he had missed Alana. 

They got out of the car and walked up the stairs to the daycare. Sandy, a teacher with long blond hair and a smile that had always been plastered to her face greeted them when they entered.

“Ian, so good to see you!”, she said happily, “I’m gonna look for Alana. She’ll be so happy that you’re here.”  
Mickey grumbled something next to him, clearly because he hadn’t received such a warm welcome but Ian didn’t hear him. His heart had begun to pound in his chest as soon as they had entered. He was nervous to see his daughter. Because of what? Because of what he had told her? Because he had said that it was best he wasn’t her dad? Would she remember that? How would she react if she saw him? Would she really be happy or would she be angry?

Ian was about to panic when he heard a loud screech next to them.  
“EEN!”  
And as soon as Ian saw Alana’s happy face all his worries were out the door.  
He leaned down and pressed her to his chest where she began to sob vehemently. That’s when he knew he couldn’t leave. Not because Mickey wouldn’t let him but because his husband had been right. He would hurt her even more if he wasn’t there.

“Alright ya two lovebirds. Let’s get this show on the fuckin’ run!”, Mickey mumbled impatiently.  
“Dad!”  
“Yeah what the f… frick ever!”  
Ian scooped his daughter up and pressed a kiss to her cheek while she leaned her head on his shoulder. He looked at his husband, who already gesticulated them out the door. Ian didn’t know how he would affect his daughter’s life but he knew one thing for sure: He could always rely on Mickey.


End file.
